Losing Weight The Crazy Way

I'm still alive

2006-07-11T20:31:00.000-04:00

I had no idea it's been so long since my last post. Reality is, I've been keeping busy, and really haven't been online all that much.

As I put in my last post, I really can't do a workout in front of my roommate, so I'd been going to the gym. And I did stick to the every other day cardio, and alternating days the weight routines. The thing was, I started feeling like I'd hit a plateau. I wasn't thrilled with my progress.

So what I started doing was going to the cardio classes every evening - for about the last month or so. The class is at 5:30, so I take my workout clothes with me and leave the bag in the car. Then head there after work. In addition, I did start going to the step class on Saturday mornings. And since I don't want to give up the strenth training, what I've been trying to do is to go to the gym in the mornings before work, usually 2x in the weekdays, and doing a weight routine. Sundays do not have a cardio class, so I head to the gym during the 4 hours it's open (noon til 4).

I've not been able to follow that totally faithfully - sometimes things interfere - like 4th of July, I went to the Saturday morning class, had to skip Sunday because of a birthday party, then Monday I went to the weights in the morning because I had a family thing that night, and Tuesday the gym was closed. I missed the gym this past Sunday, but my roommate and his daughter (who was in town the past couple weeks) had gone to his parents, so I did the Jillian Michaels workout dvd. Today I had to skip the cardio because I was going to dinner with the two of them and my daughter.

Anyway, I'm not sure about my weight loss, as my scale isn't the best. However, if my scale is right and I compare it to what I was before, I believe I've lost about 25 pounds so far. However, my clothes fit a lot differently. I've dropped down to between a size 8 and 10, depending on the clothes and fit. I just bought some Laura Ashley clothes (on sale) in medium. According to my goal, I have about 15 more pounds to lose (that's if my scale is right).

While I'm still striving for my goal, I was looking at my naked self in the mirror this morning. It's much easier to tolerate now - I don't see creases in my back, it's now a smooth curve rounding to my butt. I've got much better tone in my butt now, all those lunges paid off! I'll never be happy with my butt - there is cellulite that I know won't go away. My waist is very well defined now. I'm not happy with my arms, or my thighs. But those may never be as thin as I'd like, even if I got the fat sucked out.

Do I have enough body fat to lose 15 more pounds? I don't know. We'll see. But I am not being complacent about it. I lost weight before, but with depression and all the stuff going on in my life, it came back. What I do know is that I'm much more reliant on exercise now, and less on cutting so much out of my diet. It's not that I wasn't working out, and in fact I never stopped, but I wasn't working out as intently. I don't plan to keep up this routine permanently, but I don't want to fall back into a lightweight routine either. I haven't been as good this time around about cutting out sugars. But I've tried to be sensible about it.

Take, for example, cookies. I love dark chocolate, and I've always liked chocolate chip cookies. But I took the recipe for chocolate chip cookies from my old Betty Crocker cookbook, and I substituted Giardhelli 60% cocoa content chips for regular, and I am using the Splenda brown sugar blend & the Splenda baking sugar blend, instead of the regular brown & white sugars. Now, mind you, there's still a lot of sugar in them, but it's half the amount. The great thing is - no one can tell! Even my roommate thinks that they are the best cookies he's ever had, and has no idea that it's half the sugar. He's someone who could stand to gain weight, even.

So I've tried - things like that. Then again, the other night at the store, I really wanted this Godiva Chocolate Raspberry Truffle ice cream. So I bought a pint. And I had some last night and the night before. But I didn't scarf down the whole container, and I have worked my butt off in cardio.

There's some stuff coming up that might cut into my workouts for a bit, but I'll detail it more in my other blog. I'll just say here that thanks to my working out, I discovered a problem, but fortunately not one that's a life-threatening or untreatable problem.

Last thing for now, I signed up for the email list at Jillian Michaels' website. I really recommend it. They mail out every day an email with weight loss tips. I haven't signed up for her new weight loss program, but with all the stuff she sends out, and the fact that she clearly knows her stuff, I bet it's worth it.

I'm going to try to work in my posts a LOT more often than I have! I think it's important to keep up with it better, it's just been hard to motivate myself at the end of the day.

I'm back

2006-04-08T10:51:00.000-04:00

I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth, but I've been so busy trying to save my ass at work, that I haven't had time to do anything like blogging.

That said, one thing I haven't done is let the weight loss attempts slide. I've actually increased my activity - one thing that helped was getting a roommate recently. There's just no way I'm going to do my workouts at home in front of him. I'd look too much like a dork. Now granted, it's only been this week that he's been in here, but I've started doing the cardio workouts in classes at the gym (in addition to the alternating days I do strength training). I also finally got to meet with the personal trainer. Once so far, but it looks like he'll be able to meet up with my daughter and me again on Monday.

I had a follow-up doctor's appointment at the end of March. I'd lost 9 pounds at that point. According to my scale at home, which I know isn't exactly the most accurate, I'm actually about 16 pounds lighter than I was when I started this blog. It would be nice if that's right! I do feel better. I feel like I've got better muscle definition.

I was afraid of the cardio classes - like what if I can't actually make it through a class? But I've been keeping up, even if I end up with sweat pouring off of me. The one yesterday was interesting. The teacher (she's this tiny little thing, teaches like 8 cardio classes a week - often two classes a day - in addition to her full time job) had us using those exercise balls in cardio routines. Holding the ball in front of you and doing squats for example. And the traditional way of situps and stuff on it.

Anyway, I'll try to get some more blogs in here and there. I've got a bit of breathing room, but I still have to keep on my toes, so we'll see.

Please tell me this isn't a cold :(

2006-03-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

I swear, I hate that feeling you get in your throat, where you just FEEL it turning into that dreaded illness. The freakin cold. I can't deal with colds. I'm such a wuss.

Today wasn't too bad with food. Could be better, but I'm working on it. I did a modified Jillian Michaels workout - read: I did the exercises from it a bunch of times and worked up a sweat, but didn't follow the DVD because I was watching CSI instead.

Tomorrow's supposed to be a gym day, but I don't know if I'll make it. My daughter talked me into going to the circus with her, her friend, and her friend's parents. That means getting to the civic center at 6:30. Doesn't sound like quality gym time! So maybe I'll just hit it Friday and let tomorrow be a rest day.

Doctor day

2006-02-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

Finally got the exam over with. I admit, I felt a bit silly when my doctor said, "Now I need to feel your belly", and he kinda laughs and said, "That's new" about my belly-button ring. I got all embarrassed, but he said it was cute.

Anyway, he's got me set up to get an ultrasound next Monday to rule out fibroids causing my problems. If that gets the all clear, I'll probably start on birth control pills for the next 6 months.

All my lab results were good, so that is nice. They'll call with the pap results - although I should tell them not to call my home number, since I don't have an answering machine hooked up anymore after it kept falling until it no longer worked.

My doctor agreed with me that I need to do something about my weight, so I'll be working with him on it. I go back after the results from the ultrasound, I think. Get the pill prescription done and what not.

Whew

2006-02-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

Today was the second (and last) part of the RAD course. It was interesting. I'm not sure I am too keen on the fact that I went ahead and agreed to be part of the group that was filmed for the news. Apparently they'll cut and splice and put it on the local ABC news on Monday. They asked for someone to be interviewed by the newspeople, but I didn't want to do that. My co-worker thought for sure I would, lol. But I'm like - doing it from a bit of a distance is one thing, doing it up close is another. Plus wtf would I say. Sure it might have been my only chance to be on tv like that, but bleh. I've been in a lame-ass carpet commercial, so that and being in the background is enough.

I don't even know if I'll see it. It's not the same as when my daughter was on the news. One of the other moms called to tell me about that, so I taped it. I still have it.

I did the Jillian Michaels kickboxing workout after I got home. Well after Wal-Mart and after I got home. It was pretty intense on top of what I already did earlier. At the class, we followed up by doing scenarios. We had to put on all this sparring gear and walk into a room with a couple hefty guys wearing all sorts of padding. They'd attack you - you'd know you were going to be attacked, but not really how. One of the scenarios involved standing there with your eyes closed, while they taunt you, and not open your eyes until they actually attack.

The scenarios were taped, but only so that we could watch them all after. Of course, waiting half an hour while they figured out how to make the camera display on the tv was quite long. It was so weird to see myself on the tape like that. I was really using the "hammerfist" on the one guy, even when he dropped. They drop when you score a good hit or so on them.

Anyway, long busy day. I'm glad I went through the program, and I'm glad it's over!

Not really doing much tonight. I really need to get a life!

It's almost Friday!

2006-02-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

And boy do I need it.

I've done iffy with my eating habits. I really have to make a change. I'm ok with the exercise part. Going to the gym and using the nautilus equipment every other day. The alternating days, I've been doing cardio - right now the Jillian Michaels Kicbox.

Doctor on Tuesday. I'll get the results of the blood test, and I'll be able to go over my concerns with him. I may have to get a referral to a specialist for some of the problems, so we'll see.

Meanwhile, if you go to Movie Gallery, here's a coupon for you, expires 3/31/06:

Another weekend over..

2006-02-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

I ended up going to an Italian restaurant nearby with my daughter for lunch. Funny thing is, it was totally unexpected. I'd tried to get a hold of her, but it turned out she'd left her cell at a friend's house. I get this call as I'm pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store, and realize it's a call from my house. It baffled me for a moment. I'd actually wondered if the cats somehow knocked over my phone and hit redial - although I wouldn't have called my cell from my house. Anyway, it was my daughter, and she wanted to go to lunch, and had stopped by my place. So after a moment of decision - subs from Publix, go somewhere, what? I said I'd get the groceries, go back and pick her up, and we could go to the italian place.

So we do that, we walk in, and as we're heading to a table, I happened to look up and see the guy that I've been seeing for a while. We said hi. It was a bit of a surprise to say the least. He was there with his parents and some family friends. I am always at a loss when it comes to guys' parents. I didn't think we should just go over to their table, so we sat down a few tables over, and had our menus. I was debating going over to their table, but figured I would after we ordered. Instead, D came over to talk to us, sat down for a bit. And we exchanged pleasantries and what not. I said oh man, I should bring L over to meet your parents. And they were both like nahh, that's not going to be fun for my daughter.

Anyway, he headed back to his table, we were going over the menus, then his mom came over and gave me a hug and sat down to talk to us as we were ordering our drinks. Brief weirdness as I tried to order a diet, the guy asked me which one, I got confused and asked him if there was more than one, and he was saying they were listed, and I'm looking, and I'm like - you have more than one diet soda? And he said no, just diet Pepsi. And I said, ok, then diet pepsi.

Anyway, that was just thrown in there as an aside. D's mom talked to us a bit, told my daughter she was very pretty, which my daughter was kind of like, um... thanks. It was nice, it was brief, his family wasn't going to be there much longer. She went back. They left not long after, D came by to talk again before he left.

Anyway, just a long bit of a story there. It was just that the timing was really funny, if I'd taken 10 minutes longer at the movie rental store, or the grocery, or if I'd gotten my brows waxed like I'd wanted to, we would have totally missed them. My daughter asked me what was going on with us, and I really didn't have a good answer for her. I said that he was going through a lot right now, and it's just made things tough. She said it felt a bit funny, that she always feels funny about compliments (probably my fault, I'm the same way). I said that I liked his mom, she's really nice, and she's NOT crazy (like my mom). It was nice seeing them, but it's also a bit saddening. Because I do care about him, that hasn't changed. And because he does have great parents, which I'm a bit envious of.

As for food, I got the eggplant ziti. I ate half. I have the rest as leftovers. I guess I'll save it for tomorrow. I'd eaten this kashi cereal for breakfast. Haven't really had anything dinner-wise.

I watched "Just Like Heaven" as I digested. It was a good movie, I liked it a lot. Then I did the Jillian Michaels kickboxing workout. Man do I work up a sweat with that!

Boy it doesn't feel like Saturday..

2006-02-18T16:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a friend from work asked if I'd go with her to this all day training class today (and next Saturday). Seems a friend of hers was going to go with her, but ended up not committing, I suppose. Anyway, it's called Rape Agression Defense RAD Systems. It was free because they're just starting it up at the local PD. In fact, the class we're in is the first one they're doing there that is for the community, not other law enforcement. They've been teaching it at the university, just not the local community.

We learned a lot of interesting techniques in self defense, and combinations to do them in. A lot of it I understood right away, because they use a lot of the moves you do in kickboxing (and some from when I took judo).

The killer was having to get up so early, and be there so long. It started at 9am. It's at the mall, so when we broke for lunch, I got some food at the the cajun place. Then we went back, and it lasted until about 3, which was actually an hour early. Then I left there and went to workout at the gym, doing the strength training.

Last night I did the Jillian Michaels kickboxing dvd. It really is a workout. I probably blew that by having a couple vodka drinks, lol. And today, I HAD to go to the gym, because I caved and bought a brownie at the cookie place.

Last night I ended up chatting (and later talking on the phone), with this one guy that I've known for a few years. Well, really, we met back in high school, but I ran into him a few years ago. We actually went out on a few dates then, but for one reason or another, things just didn't workout, but we kept in touch. I think we might try seeing each other again. We'll see how it goes. We chatted and talked on the phone for what I realize now had to have been about 2 hours. I missed watching House last night because I was talking to him! We were going to try to see if we could get together tonight, but he had to try to talk his sister into taking over an obligation. That didn't work, so now we're going to shoot for next weekend.

He hasn't seen me for a while, though. And I feel so out of shape :( I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed when he sees me, and he said it hasn't been THAT long since the last time we saw each other (maybe a year since that one time we hung out for a like an hour). Anyway, I'm kind of excited about it, but don't want to read too much into it. We'll see.

Long week..

2006-02-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't been eating as well as I should. I know yesterday I was a mess with cravings, for some stupid reason.

When I bought the Jillian Michaels DVD set (Biggest Winner..), there was a rebate form, send $3.95 and you'd get her cardio kickboxing DVD. I just got it on Tuesday, which really surprised me at how fast it arrived (it also said wait like 8 weeks like normal stuff does). It didn't take that long at all.

So I decided to try it last night. It was a really good workout. And she's tough. My daughter was over and watched some of it while I was working out, and she said that she likes Jillian Michaels - she tells you it's tough while you're doing it. She said that being mean or pushing like that, it's what works.

Today's a gym day, but man I've had a migraine all day, even with meds.

Today was a lazy day

2006-02-13T23:48:00.000-05:00

Well, not entirely. I mean, I was busy. Busy at work (meetings, bleh), busy after, what with picking up my car (yay!) and dropping off my dad's, and then coming back. I not only didn't work out today, but I had pizza.

Tomorrow's a gym day, though.

And the blood work was done this morning. Results back at my physical in 2 weeks. In talking to the nurse as I was picking up my lab paperwork, it probably won't tell anything, or at least only a couple of the tests will. She mentioned a couple of things the doctor might suggest trying, which I've tried before. Other than that, it may take me going to a specialist, so we shall see.

Yuck, weekend's almost over

2006-02-12T19:17:00.000-05:00

Since I didn't get to pick up my car Friday (details in the other blog: Life's Ups and Downs), I did go to the gym after work. I ordered delivery of Eggplant florentine. And I was terrible and ordered a chocolate mousse with it :(

Yesterday I ran errands. I had leftover eggplant for lunch. And then I was really bad at the mall and ate a cinnabon. But I hardly ever go to that mall. And I could smell it as we got towards the food court. And I hadn't had one of those in forever! So I got one, and I ate it sloooowwwly, so I could savor it. And when I got home, I did that biggest loser high intensity workout.

Between the cramp meds, and probably lower iron, I guess I just haven't had much energy lately. So I didn't manage more than that 20 minute workout yesterday. I want to do the low intensity one after, but I just get tired.

Today I went to the gym, then ran errands. Now, I don't know if it was increasing the weight that I was using, or just being rundown, but it went slower. I had to pause a bit more between reps.

I picked up a sandwich while I was out. I ate ok for breakfast, just didn't want to eat right before going to the gym, so had to wait until after.

Tomorrow morning I get bloodwork drawn. My doctor runs a battery of tests two weeks before my annual exam. That way he has the results back to go over with me, and can order additional ones if necessary. Last year, for example, he had to run follow up liver tests. There was some kind of abnormality in my liver function. It turned out ok the second time. But the interesting thing was that I tested positive for immunity to hepatitis B AND A. The B made sense - I'd gotten vaccinated for it, figuring what the heck, might as well make sure I can't get it. But the surprise was the A. And I think I know when I had it. I think it was when we were staying with my ex-mother-in-law not long after my ex got out of the navy. I got really sick. I blamed it on being around her too much, since she is such a bitch.

Well, she may not have been responsible for me being so sick (I'd have a high fever alternating days with vomiting), but she sure didn't help things, so I don't feel bad for blaming it on the stress of being around her.

Anyway, tomorrow bloodwork. Two weeks, exam. I've been holding off on going to see my doctor until then, because I already have the appointment. I probably should have gone anyway. Bleh. At least this way we'll have something to go by to start with.

Almost Friday

2006-02-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

Exercise-wise, I'm doing ok. Although I've been feeling really rundown. I was worried I might not be keeping enough iron in me, but I'm already taking the max dose you should.

I guess my doc appointment can't come soon enough. I'd have pushed it forward if I could, but with the bloodwork they are doing, there wouldn't have been a point.

Food, though, eh. I could do better.

Not sure if I'll make it to the gym tomorrow or not. Really depends on what happens with my car. If not, I'll exercise from home, go to the gym either Saturday or Sunday - depending on if I do hand weights at home tomorrow.

I did talk to the personal trainer guy yesterday. I really meant to find out his name. Anyway, he has a few openings probably next month. This one client will be out of town alternating weeks, so he'll have Monday/Wednesday evening appointments available. That will work, hopefully!

Sighhhh

2006-02-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I've kept up the exercising/gym. I don't know if I'll make it to the gym tomorrow. It depends on my car, and if it will be ready or not. Seems the dealer sent the wrong version of the part, and it's to be sent tomorrow, and I still will have to return my dad's car and all. I'm just really hoping that the hose is the only problem, and that I didn't like totally screw up the pump driving it with the leak.

Food-wise, it's up and down.

I go on Monday for bloodwork. Then at the end of the month, a doctor's appointment. My sister saw an ad on tv for NovaSure. I'd talked to my doctor a couple of years ago about edometrial ablation, but at the time the techniques were a bit different and only had about a 25% success rate. I'm going to print out the info, and the name of the doc in town that does it, and see what mine says. He's a pretty common sense guy.

I'm also going to talk to him about all the medical stuff we've found out about my mom, see how much a risk I am for it. And see if there's anything wrong that's been causing some of the problems I've been having.

What a weekend

2006-02-05T17:28:00.000-05:00

Sucks that it's almost over :(

I had car issues, I managed to get my gym workout in yesterday before that, though. And since I was able to borrow my dad's car until mine is fixed, I should be able to go tomorrow, although Wednesday might be iffy, depending on how much time it takes to pick up my car (hopefully it will be ready!!) and run my dad's back and stuff.

Today I did the high intensity Biggest Loser workout. Then I had to go pick up my dad's car and do some errands.

I came across some stuff I'd printed out about weight loss, way back. It came from my old doctor's site. He was a really good doctor, but I switched companies, and couldn't continue as his patient, then I moved anyway. At any rate, he has some good health info, including weight loss stuff, on his site: http://www.drblythe.com, so feel free to check it out. It's also in my blogroll.

What a day

2006-02-01T22:55:00.000-05:00

I was late to work because I woke up with an awful migraine. I had a headache all day yesterday, took something for it, but it was only a nagging one. I even made it to the gym after work, no problem. Today was full blown pain. Then I took a migraine pill before heading into work and I was much better. Come late afternoon, it started slamming me again, and I had to take another migraine pill around 4.

Because I was kinda loopy, when I got home I watched a movie - In Her Shoes, I liked it, then some CSI, and Bones. In between commercials, I did some jump roping, and then those tire and military run in place things from the biggest loser, and lunges. I alternated between each.

Tomorrow is Groundhog's day! And a gym day. I've got my bagged packed for after work.

As for food - I made myself wraps, with fruit on the side, for lunch yesterday and today. Dinners, eh. I really need to do better with meals!!

The beginning of a long week

2006-01-30T23:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I hit the gym, ran some errands, slacked off. Today, I was really busy at work, although it felt a bit like I was treading water. Spent a lot of time on things that had to be done, and I still have more to do than I have time to do it. I guess a lot of us do, really.

I did the high intensity biggest loser workout this evening, combined with some lunges at the end. I totally digressed at lunch - ate a whataburger and some fries. It was yummy, though. Tonight I made myself a smoothie. Yum!

Hopefully I'll end the workday tomorrow feeling like I at least accomplished something. Now I'm off to bed in hopes of getting up on time.

Shopping day

2006-01-28T20:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I ate some peanut butter/oatmeal stuff for breakfast this morning. Then picked up my daughter around 2 and we headed out to get lunch. We ended up at Friday's. I ate way more than I should have, sort of. I had a few potstickers, some baby back ribs, then I caved and had a cinnabon cheesecake! I shouldn't have, but I went ahead and did.

We had some shopping to do, I got a new pair of reeboks. These have that DMX system, wow how cushiony! I wore them this evening while I was doing the biggest loser high intensity workout. They need a bit more breaking in, but other than that, they were great!

I am ticked off at Target. I bought this gym bag - it comes in a pouch. I got it home, opened it up, and it's the wrong bag inside. I think someone switched bags, put the more expensive one in the cheap pouch, and the cheap bag in the pouch I bought. Grr. Now I have to waste time going back out to Target tomorrow. I guess it's ok, there's something I forgot I wanted to get there, so I'll pick it up.

Tomorrow is gym day, I'm planning on hitting it in the morning. My shoulder is still iffy :( I don't know if it's like bursitis or what.

My stomach's a bit off tonight. From the food I ate 5 or 6 hours ago I suppose!

Friday - is there any better day?

2006-01-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

I love Fridays. Yes, I have to work all day, but the relief of leaving is uncomparable.

I went to lunch with a friend from work. We went to a pizza place. She got a salad, I got a slice as big as my head :) It ends up smaller than a small pizza, really. I ate half at lunch, half at dinner. Maybe not the best, but it was spinach & artichoke.

Work has been busy lately. Today I got back from lunch, and didn't have time to stop and think the rest of the day. I then went home, because I had to bring back perishable stuff (lettuce, wraps, etc), and then I went on to the gym, and did a full circuit.

My shoulder is still hurting, although not as bad. Still, I could only lift my arms so high in the arm lift deal, where it's like you're flying.

And tonight... vodka, you know? I don't drink it during the week, and come friday, I just want to relax. I suppose I need to work on it, but for now, I just like to buzz.

I've got a month before my doctor's appointment. This morning, I weighed 3 pounds lighter than I did this evening. Wtf? Bleh.

Thursday's log

2006-01-26T22:01:00.000-05:00

In reading the Jillian Michaels book, I should not only log what I eat, but what I'm feeling when I'm eating. Which makes sense to me. Since so much of the time food is used to make us feel better, best to be conscious about how we're doing it.

This morning, I ate on the way to work. I make some stuff up for the week or so, with oatmeal & peanutbutter, and it kind of globs together. I got the idea off this hershey's box (throw some cocoa in there as well). It's pretty filling, only eat a few on my way. I use natural peanut butter, no extra stuff. And I ate because I was hungry.

Lunch was around 12:30. I fixed a wrap the lo-carb tortilla, romaine, turkey breast sliced from the deli, one slice muenster cheese, balsamic vinagrette dressing with less than one gram of sugar per serving. Along with it, I ate two small clementines (oranges), and some blueberries. I ate it because I was hungry :)

Around 4:15 or so, I ate the rest of the peanut butter oatmeal balls from the morning (I put 6 in a bag, they're small), so it was kind of just a snack. I was feeling hungry and knew that I'd need a bit of food for energy to work out.

I worked out - doing the high intensity biggest loser workout, throwing in some lunges at the end on my own. After that, I ate the leftover multigrain pasta from the night before.

Now here's where I ate not because I was hungry, but because I love the taste. I ate some of the 60% cococa content giardelli chocolate bits. More than I should have. But I ate them one at a time savoring them. So it wasn't just cramming them in. Maybe it was because I was trying to make myself feel better. At any rate, I need to cut those out, or at least limit to specific days or something.

I was thinking about it though, about it maybe feeling like a dessert. Funny thing is, I didn't grow up getting dessert on a regular basis. Or sodas for that matter. Dessert was for special occasions. Why did sweets become so important to me?

Midweek

2006-01-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

Whew, was a long day at work. I was bad and ate a grab bag of ruffles. I don't even like potato chips, let alone ruffles, but lately salty has been a craving now and then.

I hit the gym after work. I went through the nautilus routine. I ran into that woman from work, she was on her way to a class. It was called "boot camp", but looks about like most of the aerobic workouts I've done.

On the way home, I swung by the library because a book I'd requested had come in - Jillian Michaels, Winning By Losing: Drop The Weight, Change Your Life. I've read a little, skimmed some, but it looks interesting so far.

I tried the Barilla Multigrain pasta tonight. I was impressed. I'd tried whole wheat pasta before and it was horrible! But this tasted decent. Filling, too. It apparently has a lot of nutrients and even protein? Anyway, it was something different.

I'll have to delve more into that book. I need to create some long and short term goals. For sure, I want to get rid of this weight!!!

I finally opened up the dvd set

2006-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

I decided to go for it, and broke out the Jillian Michaels dvd set. Tonight I went with the Back dvd. I didn't use the weights as much, mostly because they involved muscle groups I'd worked out yesterday. However, it was a good cardio workout. For that set, you didn't really need the step. It only involved it in one part, and well - I just pretended I was stepping up :)

I do think she's cool. And while she's apparently a hardass on the biggest loser, I think she's obviously really effective. While I wouldn't want quite as much muscles going on, I do wish I was in somewhere near as good a shape as she's in.

I ate the leftover lo mein tonight. I went all out and had a diet red dew, caffeine be damned. But I really like a soda with chinese food.

Monday Monday

2006-01-23T22:07:00.000-05:00

I didn't get much done this past weekend, that's for sure. Although I did get the oil changed on my car, and a new battery because mine was apparently about on its last legs. I had to go back home to get a coupon, so ended up going back out again. Stopped by my brother's and my dad's.

Last night, I did the high intensity cardio workout on the "Biggest Loser" dvd. I should have done both low & high, but I ended up working in some lunges instead.

Today, I left work a little bit early to get a couple errands ran, then go on to the gym. I did the nautilus circuit. I was on one of the last machines I was doing when I saw someone from work come in. I just didn't feel like talking to her right then, so I ducked my head. I guess I'll run into her from time to time. She was my boss's boss until they did some reorganizing.

Then I went home and started getting settled in - tossing my work clothes in the hamper, getting the cats their food, emptying out a bag, and I realized I forgot to return the dvd's I'd rented that were due back tonight. So I had to head back out again, and decided to splurge on chinese food at the asian place near the rental store. I figure that for $12 (that includes the cost of crab rangoon), I can get two meals. I should have skipped the crab rangoon, but it's so yummy! And I know, I had lots of carbs, getting the beef lo mein. End result, I still have like 3/4 a carton of the lo mein left.

I'm still waffling on whether to return the Jillian Michaels set. I guess I should keep it. It says it's intense fat burning. And it might be more so than the biggest loser one. And since I am alternating going to the gym every other day, I need to do cardio on the days I don't go. So I guess I should give it a whirl, even without the step.

Saturday status

2006-01-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at work, I ended up doing a power walk with my workgroup. A spur of the moment thing, and not really anything to do with it being the group, just a hey, want to go for a walk? So I went. And it was a long one. Our office park has a lake in the middle, which I didn't realize. So there's actually a circular drive in the midst of the different lanes and such. I don't know the distance, but it's plenty long enough.

So given the power walk, I ended up just doing the high intensity cardio from the Biggest Loser dvd. I figured that would do. I ended up having a bit more of a cardio workout later, but given the amount of vodka I consumed, I'm sure I needed it.

This morning, I headed to the gym. I did a nautilus circuit. My shoulder is still hurting. I'm trying to be really cautious with it. I'm also making sure not to put my purse on that shoulder. I should really try to lighten the load in that bag anyway.

After that, I went to eat lunch, a sandwich, pretty yummy, may not have been entirely healthy. Was going to get the oil changed on my car, but decided that the two hours they estimated before they'd get to me was too long to bother with. Perhaps tomorrow. Then I went on to Wal-Mart. While I didn't find that green can of friskies that the cats love so much (eggs and tuna?), I did get them other cat food. And I tried to only get healthy stuff for myself.

I bought low carb tortillas, romaine hearts, oven roasted turkey breast (no added flavors and stuff), a balsamic vinegrette dressing with less than 1g sugar per serving, some plain yogurt for smoothies, low fat milk, cheeses (have to give salads flavor), eggs - I had a dozen at home already but plan to boil them. Hopefully I can try to eat healthier!

I still haven't decided if I'm going to keep that Jillian Michaels dvd set. It was a great price, but I'm unsure about having to buy the step to do the workouts.

And now I'm just painting my toenails :)

First day back at the gym

2006-01-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you, I've had this awfully sore shoulder for days now. It was tough at the gym with some of the machines. I was trying to do chinups, and that was a bit wrenching, but when I was at that fly machine where you grip the handles and push the pads up and out, my shoulder was on fire. I'm not sure what's causing it. Maybe the way I was sleeping. I've been trying to lay on my right side or on my back, but my left side is where I usually lay, so it's tough.

My upper back is a little stiff, but other than that, so far I'm ok. Of course, when you feel it is really the next day or two. I worked through a whole circuit, trying to cover all the muscle groups. I had gotten the routine pretty well ingrained while going before, so it was pretty easy to pick up again.

The guy I would run into around town was there, training some people. I wish my tax refund was going to be more, maybe I could hire him for a few sessions. Unfortunately, it's a lot less than last year, for example. It could be worse, though. If I hadn't been able to claim my daughter this year, I'd OWE $1700.

Anyway, I need to grocery shop so I can eat a bit better, but I did ok at the gym. I took my time with each rep and machine, doing my best to get the movements right and maximize the resistance. AND HOLD IN MY STOMACH. That's important. Sometimes I forget that when following a dvd. Always pull it in.. they say that you get an indirect workout - isometric exorcise - when doing one workout that affects muscles without you using them directly.

You know what I hate about shopping? I buy fresh fruit/veggies, and they only last so long. Especially veggies. Then I have to shop again right away. And make sure I use them before they go bad. Right now, I have some clementine oranges in my refrigerator. They are yummy! I've been eating them at lunch before my sandwich, and sometimes at dinner time. I had one tonight. Yay vitamin C :)

Hump day

2006-01-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

And boy, these short weeks with Mondays off are tough.

Let's see, last night I did the "I Want That Body" workout. Nothing much else went on yesterday. Today I did the "Biggest Loser" cardio. I did the high-intensity workout first, then I did the low-intensity. It's kind of silly, but I wasn't sure if I'd do that or not, based on whether this Law & Order SVU episode that came on was one I'd seen before. If it had been new to me, I'd have gone out and jumped rope during commercials. But it was a repeat, so I started up the low-intensity cardio. Only I skipped a couple of parts to it. You already do the kicks and punches in high intensity, so I stuck with the ones that were new.

I took up my dad on his offer to pay for gym costs. My daughter and I picked the YMCA, I think I mentioned that she wanted that one, it's near her, has a pool. They also have a single parent family rate. I used to go to the one near my house. I'll go tomorrow after work, I have my workout clothes in a bag - I should really get a duffel bag for the gym, I only have big ones. If the same guy is manager there, and he's at the place when I go, then I should have no problems explaining to him. My daughter had gone to the other Y with my dad this afternoon and they said to bring in the receipt when we go, but she'd have to come by and I'd make a copy.

Speaking of her, she really needs to get a job, soon. I tried to tell her to get one at the gym! But she said that's not what she wants. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be sore after tomorrow. It's different using the nautilus equipment than the routines I've been doing at home. That's probably what I'll go with, I know them, and it's easier than using the weights you have to take off and on.

If I can ever afford it, maybe I'll try a personal trainer for a couple sessions, although I think they have you sign up for like 5 session minimum or something. I used to run into this one guy from time to time around town - even at the Aerosmith concert - who would hire out as a trainer sometimes at the Y (not working for them, just he'd meet people there), but I don't think I'd get a cut rate deal or anything from him.

Breaktime's over

2006-01-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

Aaah, back to work tomorrow.

I ate ok this weekend. I did the double-Biggest Loser workout today. I have to take a break in between the low and high intensity cardio. Probably I shouldn't, but I'll work up to it maybe. At any rate, I did manage another 45 minutes of intense cardio. It's more intense than the entire 45 minute kickboxing workout, or at least it feels that way to me, maybe it's just because it's a different routine.

My daughter wants to rejoin the YMCA, especially since there's a pool at the one near her place. And since they have the single parent family rate, that will work. I'll go to the one near me, without the pool :) The nice thing about the Y is that there should be one near anyplace you might be. Plus they do have workout classes.

I must be getting worse not better

2006-01-15T18:17:00.000-05:00

My dad brought up my need to go to a gym. He said he can help pay again. It's not that I don't want to go to a gym. Well, actually it kind of is. It always seems like such an ordeal to go. But I know, it's good for me. I just hate it that I haven't been able to make a difference anyway. I've been working hard, but haven't seen results.

I told him that I will consider it, but that I have a doctor's appointment next month, and I'm going to talk it over with him and see if there's another problem going on, preventing me from losing weight anymore. I know some of what has caused me to gain weight back, but not all. I admit, I'm also a bit ashamed at the idea of going to my doctor and saying that I'm not far from how bad I was a few years ago :(

The other thing is, I'm considering making some big changes in my life. My sister brought it up to my dad before I was ready to talk about it. But maybe it is something to get serious about. Sorry not more forthcoming, but I don't want anything out there that might come back to bite me if anyone I know reads about it.

Saturday

2006-01-14T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, this morning I did the "Shape" cardio workout. It was a lot easier to follow the moves this time. I still made a lot of goofs, but I was able to follow a lot better.

I checked the cost of the Steps while I was at Target today. It was like $32 for the Reebox adjustible one, and $60 for the Firm set. The Firm set looks way cooler. But I don't want to spend that much. I did go look at Play It Again Sports. They don't normally cary them, but they do get them in from time to time and it's half the price of retail, they said. Sigh. I'd like to get one to use for the Jillian Michaels dvd set.

And man, the really good ones, like they have in the gym, are $100 or more!

The price of fitness, eh? Well I don't have THAT kind of money for it.

Friday Friday Friday!

2006-01-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

It feels so weird to kick off another long weekend so soon after a holiday break, but man I'm glad of it.

I haven't been sleeping well the past several nights. I'm not exactly sure why. I know I need to get to bed sooner, but that doesn't explain waking up during the night. I exercise daily, and I do at least attempt not to do it too late. I try to eat reasonably, but that's not always easy. I take my vitamins. I have cut back caffeine during the week to one diet red dew in the morning. I don't THINK I'm under any more stress than typical for me. But whatever the case, I've slept for crap lately.

This morning I woke up with a massive migraine. I kept trying to sleep a bit more, hitting the snooze button, but it was clear that I was going to have to take something for the migraine. So I emailed my boss telling her I was going to be late and why, I popped a fiorinal (migraine med), fed the cats, then tried to go back to sleep. It was so bad that I had to wait for the meds to kick in before I could, because it felt like my head was going to explode.

I slept until about 9:30, my head was doing significantly better, although I was a bit loopy from the meds. I ended up heading to work around 10:20 or so. I stopped and got a couple egg & cheese tacquitos from whataburger - they were on sale for 99 cents each. I figured they'd be a good combo breakfast/lunch.

By around 4, my head was starting to nag again, and since I had last eaten at 11, I figured it made sense to eat what I was going to for lunch then - the other half package of chicken salad on multi-grain bread.

I worked out a little while ago, doing the "I Want That Body" workout. And then I blew it by eating popcorn. Oh well. At least it's airpopped! And I'll probably fix myself a drink - vodka and pomogranate juice :)

Holy Cow!

2006-01-12T18:59:00.000-05:00

I did both the low-intensity and high-intensity cardio workouts from the Biggest Loser dvd tonight. First off, the low-intensity is actually 25 minutes, not the 20 the other is. You think, bah, what's 5 minutes. Ugh, it's a lot. Anyway, it's actually a lot more intense than I thought it would be. I was thinking it would be like baby aerobics or something, lol. Nope, I'd worked up a sweat, and some of those lunges had my legs burning, especially since I did lungest last night, too. So I finished the low-intensity, had to take a few minutes break, then did the high intensity.

I'm glad I persevered. But it really is a workout. I remember when I never used to workout. This would have killed me. I'd have stopped like 5 minutes into the low-intensity.

Of course, when I was recovering from bronchitis, that's about how things were then. Every 5 or 10 minutes, I'd have to stop and rest. It took a good couple months to get back to my normal routines!

Interesting info about stress and fat

2006-01-12T09:56:00.000-05:00

Chronic stress can lead to weight gain because stress hormones stimulate fat cells in the abdomen to increase in size and store added fat. To ease tension, give yourself 15 minutes every day to do some activity that relaxes you - playing with the dog, writing in your journal, listening to classical music, or whatever works for you.

-- This is from Redbook, quoted in this health magazine our insurance company sends us.

Well, gee, that could explain my pooch. When have I NOT been under stress the past several years?

So much for trying to be good

2006-01-12T09:32:00.000-05:00

I blew it by going into the kitchen at work this morning. Someone had put out some breakfast food. I ended up getting a mini raspberry danish. At least it was small, I suppose. But it was also so sweet. Bleh.

I had gone to get barbecue with my daughter yesterday, she talked me into it. When I got back, I just laid around for a while because I was full. So I watched Super Troopers, then later I started my workout. I'm generally pretty good about memorizing the non-cardio routines, so I just did the arms, abs, and butt exercises while watching tv. I just picture Tamilee telling me what to do :)

Tonight will be cardio. I'm planning on the dual workout with the Biggest Loser dvd.

I am SOOO dragging

2006-01-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is, lack of enough sleep? I need to make myself go to bed earlier. TIVO would help, lol. Then I wouldn't want to stay up for 10pm shows.

I ate a cheesesteak sub (small) and some bugles. Why? At least it didn't have green peppers, that stuff rips me up. This was just meat, cheese, and onions. I'm tasting the onion, though, when I burp.

Spent about half an hour in someone's office talking to him and my crush about random stuff. I don't think my crush sees me as a love interest. I'm thinking giving up is best.

The Shape Workout

2006-01-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

So tonight I tried the Shape DVD. It is definitely a workout. I found it a bit hard to follow in places, they don't practice the dance moves like a lot of dvds. You have to follow along at the full pace. I'd imagine that in time, I'll get it. Since I'm not actually trying to use it to learn dance routines though, it's not as imperative, since the important part is to keep moving and keep the heart rate up.

I'm not sure that my heart rate goes up sustained as high as it does with the Biggest Loser dvd. However, I do work up a sweat. They trick you a bit, making you feel like the 10 minute segment (there are 5 dance segments, you can program order and how many to do) is over halfway, but what they do is switch to a different pattern in the same segment. I could have easily given up after 2 or 3 10 minute segment, but I kept going, and it IS varied. Altogether, you spend an hour if you do the 5 10 minute segments plus the warmup and cooldown. Considering it would be 50 minutes to an hour at an exercise class, it's not bad. And hey, no need to travel.

The cooldown seemed awfully long on the Biggest Loser, btw. I skipped it, and did my own stretching and stuff. That one had mostly yoga type stretches.

Overall, I liked both dvds. I think I'll alternate them for the cardio workouts. Stick with the "I Want That Body" on every other day, then the cardio variety on alternating days. At least it will be non-routine. Also, I will try doing the 20 minutes of lower intensity cardio, then the 20 minutes higher intensity, with the Biggest Loser dvd.

Something I was thinking about

2006-01-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

House was a repeat last night, but it really made me think of all the rexi celebs.

House had sent these two trainees to get a patient history, and they came back with a different explanation each for why this girl had an injured arm. So he sent them back again, and said that it had a diagnosis that started with a "C". They couldn't figure it out, so he went into the patient's room with a bird pin on his lapel, and a picture of a ferris wheel in his hand. So he walks in, asks her what had happened, and she said that she was riding a ferris wheel when the bird flew close, she reached out to brush it away, and hit her arm on the wheel.

So it turned out she had some sort of ailment, with the "k" sound, didn't actually start with a "c", but it's a brain disfunction caused usually by dropping an excessive amount of weight (rexis), causing an inability to retain short term memory, and not even realizing that they were lying to come up with explanations. He went back in limping on a cane after the trainees said he made her cry, he asked her what had happened, and she said an old man hit her with a cane.

Anyway, can you just imagine as these starlets and celbutants starve themselves to toothpicks, they start having these stupendously ridiculous memory lapses and responses?

This is weight loss related only because of the starvation thing :)

Tuesday Morning

2006-01-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I weighed myself, and for the first time in months, I broke the barrier of the weight I've been. Now mind you, I've gone up a few pounds when bloated, but I actually went down. Only 1 pound. But it's something.

The last time I broke that weight was several months ago when I was really stressed and upset, and totally lost my appetitite. When I actually got it back, then the weight came back.

I need to keep increasing my cardio, and keep up with the different routine for the weights.

Mondays

2006-01-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

I didn't eat the best I should. I ate a half a vending machine bag of munchos with lunch. A coworker gave me a Hershey's dark bar for a belated present, and I ate a bite of that. I ate some of the 60% dark chocolate tonight.

I did get my workout in - I did the "I Want That Body" workout. I've been pretty good with the Program 2, changing the intensity.

I made a decision to split my blog in two. One blog for my trials and tribulations of weight loss, and another to be able to journal what's going on in my life. While depression and mood swings can surely affect my ability to lose weight, my binging on junk food, and so forth, there are too many things in my life that are too much to chronicle in a weight loss journal.

If you want to read the other junk, the link will be accessable in my profile, and I suppose on my blogroll - makes it easy for me to click back and forth. Unless it becomes too unwieldy, that's my plan. The location is: http://lifeupsanddowns.blogspot.com/

Interesting before/after results of biggest loser contestants

2006-01-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

I really only caught part of the finale of season 2, but I was interested to see the before/after because I knew that people lost a lot of weight. Plus, there are some of the contestants in the dvd I just got.

Here are the before/after:
Season 1

Season 2

Bought some new workout DVDs

2006-01-08T18:19:00.000-05:00

I was out and about today, and with discount coupons and what not, I bought a few workout DVDs.

Shape Cardio Workout - seems to have a decent review, and it was relatively inexpensive, so I'm going to try it out.

Biggest Loser The Workout - I never got into the show, but I've heard that there were good workouts and all.

Jillian Michaels The Biggest Winner! How To Win By Losing - apparently she was not as likeable on the biggest loser show, but has a really good workout dvd set (this is 2 dvds). I'm not sure if I'm going to keep it and try it. I saw the reviews of it after I got home, and it looks like you need a step, which I don't have. So we'll see. I've got other DVDs that use one, so maybe I'll get one from Play It Again Sports (the used & new sporting equipment store).

Now I need to pick one and have a go!

Edited to add:
I just did the biggest loser high cardio workout. Wow, that does raise the heartrate. I think when I do it, I'm going to do a combo of the low and high though, because the workout is only 20 minutes. Not sure i'd want 40 of the high, but I think 20 low and 20 high would work. They use the people who lost the previous season for the high one.

While I'm sure that their weight routines are good, I'll stick with the "I Want That Body" for weights unless I decide the Jillian Michaels is better for that.

Weekend

2006-01-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

I was right, I didn't fit in a workout yesterday. And I ate rather badly! We went to an Italian place in the mall, where I had really excellent eggplant florentine. I opted not to have them box up my leftovers, although my daughter decided to get them to hold hers (they let you pick it up after the movie). And because she made a big deal about telling them it was my birthday (thankfully they didn't sing), they offered me a free dessert. Which is cool, most just come out and embarrass you with said singing. Anyway, I ordered a slice of the "Suicide by Chocolate" cake, which seriously, it's very good, but it's also deadly. I didn't eat the whole thing, but I did eat enough to practically induce a coma.

We went to see The Ringer, which was really funny, and sweet in a lot of places. Johnny Knoxville wasn't looking his hottest, which was darn good in Dukes of Hazzard.

Now that I've been lazy all morning, I'm going to get in a workout with the "I want that body" program 2 set. Which my butt was still a bit sore last night from the evening before with it. Then errands time.

Yay, the work week is over!

2006-01-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

It was such a freakin intensive week! And I can't believe I had 4 hours worth of meetings today. Although for 2 hours this morning I got to sit across from my crush. But I've been so busy this week, when was there time to think about him?

The meeting with my boss this afternoon went well. She recognizes that I've been working hard, and that I've been there late the previous couple days, making sure we met a deadline.

My workgroup took me out to lunch, we got barbecue. It was decent enough, although a couple of people weren't thrilled with it. I was pretty much open to whatever, but we were going to go somewhere else first, but there were no tables inside, and it was just too darn cold to eat outside. It's supposed to get down to 26 degrees (F) tonight, apparently! And really cold tomorrow night, but then come Monday or Tuesday, high in the 70s again.

I doubt I'll get a workout in today. My daughter's coming by and we'll probably get some food at a restaurant in the mall (Garfield's maybe), and then go to the movies. Either the Ringer or Hostel. My daughter said - don't you want to see a HAPPY movie on your birthday? when I asked about Hostel. My point was that the killer is probably happy enough in the movie :) Considering that Cabin Fever was pretty amusing yet gory, this might be as well. The reviews were decent.

Anyway, I'm just glad it's the weekend. And as much as I was dreading today, I actually felt pretty well about it this morning. Funny enough, at that longass meeting this morning, the other person sharing my birthday sat next to me. And we were both in black sweaters, lol.

Something useful - get 411 free on your phone

2006-01-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to.

When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1 800 FREE 411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call.

This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.

Works on home phone also.

And for verfication from snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/free411.asp

Claim: The phone number 1-800-FREE-411 offers free directory assistance service.

Status: True.

Origins: One of the many changes that has taken place in the telephone industry in the last few decades is that while phone companies once generally provided their local customers with
free directory assistance (via the 411 phone number), in most cases telephone customers are now charged a fee (typically $1.00 or more) for each directory assistance call. Despite the charges, U.S. consumers continue to avail themselves of the 411 directory assistance service, placing about 6 billion such calls per year.

Now, however, an outfit called Jingle Networks is providing an alternative directory assistance service — and it's free. Users who call the toll-free number 1-800-FREE411 (or 1-800-373-3411) can navigate a nifty automated voice recognition system that asks for a location (city and state), type of listing (business, government, or residential), and name. Once the service has located an entry for the requested number, it reads the information aloud and offers the caller the option of connecting to the number by pressing a single number on his telephone keypad.

How can Free-411 afford to offer free directory assistance service? It works sort of like commercial radio or television — businesses pay to sponsor it in exchange for presenting their advertisements to customers. The funding of Free-411 is typically explained thusly:
The service is made possible by thousands of national and local businesses who sponsor this service with brief valuable audio advertisements that are played to callers who request businesses in their yellow pages category. This advertising model allows businesses to acquire new customers over the phone, cost effectively, with little or no risk. Meanwhile callers get free directory assistance, potentially saving each of them thousand of dollars per year.
The way it works in practice is that a caller who requests a business number is first presented with a short (about 12 seconds) audio advertisement for a sponsor who operates a competing business in that area; the caller is then given the option of being connected to either that competitor or the business he originally requested. If no sponsor operates a local competing business, then the caller hears no advertisement at all. (In the latter case, if the caller accepts the option to connect to the desired number, the business receiving the call hears a short message at the beginning advising them that the call was placed via Free-411, and a Free-411 salesman may follow up with them a few days later to solicit them as a potential advertiser.)

We made three separate trial calls to 1-800-FREE411 asking for information on different local businesses, and in each case the voice recognition system smoothly processed all our spoken information and correctly identified the businesses of interest. In only one trial out of the three were we presented with an audio advertisement.

Free-411 also offers directory assistance information via a free web site.

http://www.free411.com/index.htm

Gahhh

2006-01-05T18:14:00.000-05:00

Wow, this has really been a rough week, and there's still another day in it, AND it's been a short week to begin with. I've got a 3 hour meeting in the morning, then a meeting later in the afternoon with my boss to plan out what I need to do to bring up my evaluation scores. And I didn't get out of work until about 45 minutes late this evening. Just so much to do, in such a short time.

It's been hard though, because I feel like no matter what I do, I'm screwing up in some way. And I was going over what needs to be done, and it's not that I'm being given grunt work, there's just a lot of work to be done, and we're spread thin in my group.

On the other hand, I know of two people with higher positions than I that have made some blunders. I'm not ragging on them, because I know that they're human. It's just that I personally know that I'm not the only one who've screwed up, I just have to deal with what has happened so far.

Odd, I've gotten like 3 emails on myspace from random guys saying things like "i saw ur profile nd ur hot. we shuld chat!" Oh boy! And I even have something in my profile saying, "don't bother asking me for pictures or to cyber".

I dread tomorrow. Granted, it's been a while since things have really been bad on my birthday, but the fear lingers. I've cut my toe one year, Got a really high fever another year, my brother had a car accident another time. I mean, you get the picture. It seems like I'm a magnet for disaster.

I've invited the guy I've been seeing over. Part of me says I should just give up on him totally, but another part just wants him to spend time with me tomorrow, you know? As for the guy at work, I've barely bumped into him, I've spent so much time busy in my cubicle. He should be at the meeting tomorrow, so we'll see.

I'm going to do the program 2 of the "I want that Body" dvd tonight. I'm going to try to be a bit more aware of what I'm doing on the obliques so that I don't get sore like I did 2 days ago.

Another long day

2006-01-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

Well, this makes day two that I've made it in on time! Yay me! Even if no one was there to appreciate it! However, it was a very stressful and tense day for me. Trying to find a way to get around the road blocks that our vendor placed in their software. But finally, with some help, I managed to get through it, even if I did have to stick a loop in there that just counted for 1000 times. I call it a make-busy loop. It just.. counts.. to buy time for something to finish loading.

Anyway, that's done, although I'm sure that in retrospect, I could have done it better, faster. And I shouldn't have taken the time on something else in there, although to be fair, it didn't take long, and I did it while on my lunch break, and I was trying to make people happy. I ended up staying an hour late, just trying to get the stuff working because well, it HAD to work. I dunno, it's like no matter what I do, I WILL screw up. Or not get something done right the first time.

I had to go behind myself and fix a teeny error I made back before the break. I don't know how I managed it, but I made the same error in 3 places. It's not a big one, it was just like... WTF?? Why would I have put that there instead of this?

I was sore today. Last night, I decided to go ahead and try Program 2 on the "I Want That Body" dvd for all three of the segments (arms, buns, abs). Mostly, it's my butt and the sides of my back that hurt. Program 2 abs do more with the obliques, so I guess that's why. And the butt.. well hell, I can use all the help I can get there.

Nothing new in my love life. Really, I don't have one. It would be awfully nice if I did. I find myself looking at guys - mostly on tv, and thinking man, he is SO hot. Like for example, the oncologist buddy on House. He's so cute. Robert Sean Leonard, according to imdb. I think I just like his character. Otherwise.. I like slightly geeky guys with a goofy sense of humor. Maybe that could describe me, aside from the guy part :)

Anyway, I didn't eat for crap today :( I did do the kickboxing workout. I probably need to switch to another aerobic one. Funny enough, when I first started back with that workout, it was killing me. Now, I still work up a sweat, but it isn't as strenous. I should do the jump roping in addition, since I haven't recently, but it's been so chilly, and rainy lately, too.

Also, get back to drinking smoothies, because it's sweet and filling enough to keep me from going overboard with other food.

Bedtime!

And that's why they call it the grind

2006-01-03T21:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a day. Gone two weeks and it's all hectic. Busy is better, though. Although trying to figure out how to do something when the vendor's documentation isn't very useful is a real pain. And I need to figure it out quickly.

Today I learned that it really hurts when you're yawning and burping at the same time. That is SO not cool.

I've got to get better at sleeping. I hardly slept at all last night, though I managed to get up on time. I think I was right on time to work, even if no one was there yet in my area.

Today, I caved, ate some potato chips at lunch, some onion rings with dinner. I'm self-sabotaging.

And on another note, I forgot to mention the dog I saw over the weekend. It was a poodle. Normally, I'm not one for poodles, but this dog was cute. It's 3 years old, and when she was 1, she was hit by a car and had her entire right front leg removed from the shoulder down. There was something endearing about this fluffy dog hopping around. No, I'm not making fun of her. It made her totally different from the other poodles I've seen, who normally are just too aloof. She would hop on over and flop her head in your lap. Or she'd lay down on the floor and you'd see that she was simply.. smaller than she should be. She more than compensated for herself, as she could run and jump as fast and far as the other dog there.

And it's back to work tomorrow

2006-01-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

I feel icky today. It's been so rainy, and we had a heck of a storm this morning. Today I've been tired and bleh. Either the food I ate yesterday or PMS has packed about 3 pounds on me, according to the scale this morning. I feel like no matter how I work (while I may have eaten more junk than I should have, I did work out every day), I still slide backwards.

And here's another thing. Yes, this is TMI, but I'm spotting today. And it hasn't been even 28 days since the start of the last cycle. I think I'm all screwed up. And it's annoying :(

On a side note, I watched Bubble Boy today. I hadn't seen it before. It was cute and funny :)

Happy New Year

2006-01-02T00:36:00.000-05:00

Hope that it's started off right for everyone.

Last night was spent at the birthday party of an old friend of mine. Of course, after all the presents were opened and cake eaten, it was switched over to a new years party. It was small, family (small as hers is) and close friends. A couple there has 2 young children. As midnight rolled around, and we were by the bonfire (wasn't REALLY needed, it was a very warm night, for the most part), the girls were insisting we sing, and the youngest decided that we MUST sing the ABC song. So there we were, most of us in our 30s, one in his 40s, and a couple mothers in their 50/60s, belting out the ABC song. And then shortly after midnight, I drove home in dense fog!

Today, I had to drag my butt out of bed, much later than I intended, and then had to actually work for a couple of hours. Stuff that had to be done, and I was the one who had to do it. But it's done, until we officially go back on Tuesday.

Then this afternoon, it was off to the same friend's for the traditional New Year's meal. I was called into duty to bring the baking powder, since everyone else's was expired. Mine probably was as well, but since it didn't have an expiry date on the container I got from Sam's, we took it for granted it was fine. Of course, I left it there by mistake.

Traditional New Year's fare in the south - the DEEP south mind you, since as my sister who lives up north points out that she's actually south of the Mason/Dixon line - is collard greens, black eyed peas, and cornbread. We had turkey and cornbread stuffing, and veggies and such, but the other three are key. And oh, it was an all day wait for the food, let me tell you. Ended up watching tv comedy movies in the midst of preparation. I think it was the turkey's fault.

And as an explanation of what the traditional food is for: collard greens represent money, black eyed peas are luck, and cornbread is health. So my friend's husband would say, pass the luck, please. Or.. is this the money WITH the jalapenos or not. Since I could use all the money, luck, and health I can get this year, I made sure to eat a decent amount of each.

This is going to turn out to be a long post.. anyway, the birthday friend is one that I've known since we were like 11 years old - she's only a few days older than me, as you can tell by a previous post. We're even the same height, give or take a hair. But weight-wise, we're as different as can be. Growing up she was extremely thin, and even now, she could wear a 0 or 1, if it's long enough for her.

It's really thanks to her that I'm conscious about how deep comments can cut. Most people won't go up to someone obese and say, "My God, you're so fat, you make me sick!" Although I suppose you can just tell that someone is thinking it. However, most people think nothing of going up to someone thin and saying, "My God, you're so skinny, you make me sick!"

I was thinking about that earlier, as I saw a comment to this blog post: Christi Nielsen | I'm Just About to Get Skinny: And the Wages of Fat Are Thin - Lilith 1:1

It's really about our own perception of ourselves. I know that my friend would have done anything to gain weight growing up. She always felt like a boy. Only a few years ago, she mentioned that she was envious of me because even as young teens, I had an hourglass figure, a real woman's figure. Although I was actually on the thin side, I on the other hand would look at her body and wish that I wasn't so hippy, or that my thighs were less heavy.

I'm in the middle of reading a book, the link is in the title of this post, called "Alternate Beauty." A size 28 woman, very unhappy, who just lost her job at a clothing store designed for larger women because she'd become too heavy, ends up dropped in an alternate reality where the larger you are, the more beautiful and sexy you're perceived. And at first, it's wonderful. She receives attention from everyone, has men begging to go out with her, and she's living a life she never dreamed.

Only the thing is, the problem really wasn't with the fact that she was overweight, but with the way she felt about herself. When being overweight was out, she ate to compensate. When being overweight was in, she lost her appetite. Gradually, she starts losing weight and what do you know, she's no longer considered beautiful or sexy, but one of those "skinnies".

Anyway, it's an interesting read. The author has herself ranged from size 8 to 26, and says she's a content size 10 now. And you know, that's really the ideal - to be content with yourself and your life.

So here's to a new year, and contentment in life!

The end of an era

2005-12-31T13:09:00.000-05:00

Well, of sorts. My hand mixer just went to the great appliance graveyard in the sky. Wow, does that sound pretentious :)

I was trying to figure out how long I've had that mixer. It might have been while I was pregnant, or perhaps up to a couple of years later. Making it about 15-18 years old. A Black & Decker, power boost mixer. I believe it was $15 back then, and it looks like you can actually find the same model now for about $20-$30. Inflation!

I had an idea that it was wearing down, but I was pushing it. Things like it not really making it to a high speed, more of a whiny medium on the highest setting. I should have known better as I was beating the cream cheese last night. Maybe I didn't let it soften enough. But all of a sudden, the beaters locked up, and they wouldn't stay in the holders anymore.

Mind you, I do have a big tabletop mixer. Not the really nice Kitchen Aid ones, more of a Kenmore that wants to be good. But it's a pain to haul out that, and have to clean the bowls and such, since it sits around gathering dust. A hand mixer I can just grab out, shove in the beaters, and have done with it.

It's not that I'm overly sentimental about appliances, but that one I had to fight to get. My ex felt that the only thing you could make with one of those was fattening stuff. I felt that since he was always asking me to make stuff to take into work with him, that I shouldn't be stuck with just rotary beaters. I remember getting ticked off at my brother after he'd borrowed it a couple times, then actually took it to work with him. He was using it on a daily basis several times a day. Maybe I was being petty, but if it was going to get worn out, I was going to do it! Now he's got these massive floor standing mixers of his own!

So the mixer gets tossed out unceremoniously. And I will buy a new one. But I know how these things work. I buy a new one and it will last 3 years. It's like when I had a hair dryer for 10 years before it finally died, and I've not had one last more than a few years since then. Everything is made to be disposable!

One week..

2005-12-30T17:32:00.000-05:00

You know, when I was a kid, I never really thought about the future. I didn't long for the day I'd be a wife and mother. I didn't even really have any idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. The only vague thought I had was when we'd speculate about the year 2000, and I thought, oh wow, I'll be 31! That was so old back then.

So now I will be 37. And I still don't know what I want out of life. I have a nearly grown daughter, I've spent almost as many years divorced as I was actually together with my husband during our marriage, not even counting the years between there we were separated.

I have felt so restless for so long. Why haven't I done anything? Why have I just let life pass me by? Why did I wait so long to get back to doing something about things like my weight? And how the hell could I have let myself get into such debt?

I need motivation. It's hard, because I feel trapped. The funniest thing is, I've never been more free.

Also, I've realized that I'm not getting anywhere right now with weight loss. I need to do something to break through this barrier. I don't know that I could really eat less, but I'm sure I could eat healthier. I could maybe tweak my exercise routine. Add the handweights to the leg exercises on the days I'm doing those exercises. Maybe the kickboxing isn't really enough aerobic exercise anymore. Something's got to change, though. I just have to figure out what.

I have about 8 or 9 weeks until my annual exam. If I have not been able to make a difference, it's time to talk to my doctor again. Yes, I have really slipped up from before, but now - as screwed up as everything in my life may be at the moment, I think it's leveled off some. I should be able to get back on track :(

Producers rocked!

2005-12-29T22:32:00.000-05:00

I went to see this with my daughter tonight. I loved it!

I haven't seen the original version in a few years, but there are things that you notice as being a bit different, and some that are the same. I didn't get to see it on stage, but I've heard about that as well.

I LOL at quite a bit of it, to the point where my daughter poked me and shushed (although I wasn't even as loud as most of the rest there).

It's hard to compare the original actors, Nathan Lane probably has it a bit better over Zero. Matthew Broderick and Gene Wilder both played the part well. I'm a bit nostalgic over Gene, but Matthew does play goofy in a good way.

Anyway, if you love Mel Brooks movies, go see it. He even has in there one of the overviews of the dancers, very reminiscent of History of the World, but with a schwastika, lol.

Hasn't been much to say

2005-12-29T17:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, I truly lead a dull life. I get two weeks off, and other than go out of town for a few days, I just sit on my ass at home. Yay, I workout daily, that's important. But really.. I don't have much to do around here, at least that doesn't require spending money. Seems a lot of people just go shopping. Bleh.

I do need to stop getting takeout or eating out so much. I need to really do better at designing healthy meals. Half the time I end up skipping a meal, but not on purpose. More just that by the time I realize it, it's already 3 or 4pm and I haven't eaten since 9.

I stopped at the piercers to have them change out my belly button ring for me. Not sure if it's going to work. It's not the titanium/neutral metal, I'm sure, and it's not threaded the best way, but I was trying to wear it because my daughter gave it to me as a Christmas gift. The funny thing is, the girl who changed it out for me was my daughter's best friend in like first grade I think it was. Her friend was a couple years older. I still think of her as being 9 years old.

My daughter and I are planning on seeing the Producers tonight. It should be good. I love the original. How often are remakes actually done by the same person?

I shall have to be good about food, though. She asked if we could get dinner this evening. Hm. I should probably offer her a cookbook :)

Time's slipping

2005-12-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

I hate it when I know time is slipping by, and I'm still not getting anything done. I go back to work in 8 days, bleh.

Trying to get stuff done during the middle of the day is a pain. I mean, I ate breakfast, but was out, so finally on the way home, I go to get some food at cracker barrel, it was like 4 before I left. I hadn't eaten since 9:30am. So I was really hungry. I even ate the 2 buscuits that came with the food. Sigh. My thighs are scary, and yet I eat pig-like.

I still have to work out today. Yesterday, though, the only thing I got done was to workout. I just watched movies, tv, and read yesterday. At least today I got out of the house. Went to see my kid at the mall - I could use some pants for work, but I can't stand the thought of having to buy some big size. I really need to lose some weight :(

Then it was off to home depot for a few things, stopped at the park and met up with a friend of a friend. Nice guy, but he's not really my type. Plus there would be the whole weird thing of our mutual friend being an old boyfriend who knows me very well, lol.

In retrospect, I wonder if I should have made a move on the guy I had lunch with in Orlando. Who knows, maybe it would work out. Bleh, I think I just really want a relationship. It's not that it doesn't matter with whom, it's just that I know I don't take chances.

I go give platelets in the morning. I don't think I get anything free this time. Man, I love getting free stuff, though :)

You know..

2005-12-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

Just so you know, things did work out a bit better. My daughter dropped by. Now granted, she wanted to go out to dinner, but she did bring me a Dresden Dolls t-shirt and a belly button ring. So it's great that she was thinking of me :)

We went out to dinner. We had a lot of leftovers. I wasn't awfully hungry.

While I like having the time off, I hate holidays. Even as a kid, we never really celebrated them. When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, he did family stuff and I'd go to the theater and watch a couple of movies.

I hate to be a spoil sport, so I hope you guys are having a great christmas!

--- me

Christmas Eve

2005-12-24T18:19:00.000-05:00

Well, first off, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. Not sure the dates of other holidays, but happy ones for those.

Today has been a lazy one. I did manage a workout - I did the "I Want That Body" one. I ate ok. I grocery shopped, since it was needed and everything is closed tomorrow. I watched Roman Holiday. Sleepless in Seattle is on. Which makes me depressed.

In 13 days (the 12th day after Christmas), I will turn 37. It's only a few days more than I am now, but somehow it feels different. And I wonder sometimes, how the hell did I get here? So many things have gone so wrong in my life. How much of it was my doing? How much could I have prevented or changed? I know, I can't live in the past. But the past is what made my life, as well as those around me, what it is.

If I'd made the right decision, and not married my ex-husband, my daughter wouldn't be here. Maybe I'd have had a child, maybe I'd have had several, but the person that she is wouldn't be the same. So as much as I wish I hadn't even met him, I wouldn't give my daughter up for anything.

Or how about this - I dropped out of college shortly after I started dating my ex-husband, mainly because I was failing. When my marriage started really going downhill, I went back to school. If I had pushed when I should have, I might have started on my major sooner, and graduated a year earlier. There were different jobs available then. Instead, I went with this one company, which was really stressful for me. As a result, I made a few friends there, and some at a subsequent company, that are really important to me.

Shortly after I started at the first job I had after college (mind you, I had moved 5 hours from everyone I knew), I met some friends who I hung out with regularly over the next year. An old friend of mine came to visit the following summer. She met one of my new friends, and there you go, they hooked up. Just this past fall, I went to their wedding. Those are two people who would never met, had I not made the decisions in my life that led to me taking a job in a place that I knew no one, at that particular time in my life.

And I'm really happy for them. Those are two people who belong together!

But then.. I start wondering when the hell it's my turn. Or was it my turn and I just let love slip through my hands. Did I blow my one and only chance, never to get another? Is it too late? Am I overlooking someone now? Or am I just not taking the chance?

What am I afraid of? What makes it so hard to make changes in my life? Sometimes, I've made some rather bold changes, and had to make those decisions all on my own. Other times, I've sat back and not made any choices, which really make the decisions for me.

I know life is short, I've seen too many people cut down young. I know that I have to get out there to make a difference, to change my life. But it's so hard to take those steps. Even just the thought of putting together my damn resume fills me with dread and makes me not want to bother.

Someone kick some sense in to me, please. Because I don't think it's going to get there on it's own. How many times have I said that I don't want to spend another Christmas alone? And yet, here it goes again. Oh I know, I don't need a man to complete me. But the truth is, I am so damn tired of being alone :(

I made it back

2005-12-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

Whew, long drive! Actually, I made good time, considering. It's just the first time in about a year making the drive by myself. And even then, I did it only halfway on my own each time.

Let's see... I ate out almost every meal while out of town. The nice thing is, eating out usually meant someone else paying :)

I got to my friends in the evening. She made some chicken, a baked potato, and greenbean casserole. Then a friend of mine dropped over and we hung out with him for a while. I have to admit, each evening was drink filled. I had vodka & pomagranate juice most of the time.

The next day, I had lunch at a Lebanese restaurant with the same friend who dropped by. We had appetizers: stuffed grape leaves with hummus. You know, I like stuffed grape leaves. But when I took a friend of mine and my daughter to a greek restaurant and got the stuffed grape leaves, they kept saying it looked like poop. Regardless of how it looks, I like it. For lunch, I had a lamb wrap - hushweh? I can't recall what it was called. It had lamb, a sauce, pickle - I skipped the tomato. It was yummy. They had real cooked lamb, not that shaved lamb/beef on a stick. And I ended up with a handmade baklavah - chocolate layer on the bottom. Man was that yummy. My friend has been going to that restaurant for like 9 years, and said that the prices have never changed. He asked me how much I thought the baklavah would be, I thought maybe $4. He said it was only $.99 - that the guy who owns it insists it's not that expensive to make the food, and he makes his money by selling phone cards - he only uses reputable dealers for them. The restaurant sells all sorts of food products - I guess it's a lebanese grocery as well. It's right next to a university with a lot of international students.

While the food was good, I was still hungry earlier than I expected. I picked up a sub from the grocery and had half that night. Then I went out with another friend, and since I'd eaten already, I got a "blooming onion", and split it with him. They had 2 for 1 margaritas. I said I only wanted one, but they make two at a time anyway, so I drank about half of each. We went back to my friend's house, where I got the grand tour of his new digs - which are very impressive. Someone should really snatch him up as a husband. His current girlfriend doesn't seem to get him - it's too long distance. Anyway, we watched south park on his new HDTV, even though he couldn't get the color right, lol. After, I went back to where I was staying.

I should mention - I did not workout at ALL on Tuesday and Wednesday :( No time, really. I had to drive 5+ hours Tuesday, and Wednesday I slept in and had to run around too much. This morning is really the only day I ate anything for breakfast (a slice of banana bread).

So yesterday morning, I did the "I Want That Body" routine. I'd brought my mat and hand weights with me. I was determined not to blow off the rest of the time. For lunch, I went to this Italian place right near where I used to live. I've been going to it since they opened, which happened to coincide with when I moved near there. So basically, my daughter and I have been going there for about 6 years. Last time we were in town, my daughter had my car, and aside from when we went to a friend's wedding, she was on her own most of the time. She went to eat there, and they didn't even let her pay. Well, this time I paid, but they are so nice. And the food is so great! I got a cup of Italian wedding soup and an eggplant parmesan sandwich. The owner came out just to say hi to me (he does the cooking) and to tell me to say hi to my daughter.

I did some shopping, went back to my friend's, ate the rest of my sub from the day before. Then much later, I ended up going back out with the friend from the night before, and a couple of his friends joined along. And so I don't seem ungrateful, I tried to get the friend I was staying with to go with me each time, but I couldn't drag her out.

At any rate, I ended up eating a popcorn shrimp sandwich. No, I'd never heard of it before. And no, it didn't hold up really well. But it tasted ok. We ate at this one place with a friend of his. He was a nice enough guy. Single. Has a 14 year old. Wasn't really my type. Then we went on to this bar that has kareoke and pool. We had a bit of excitement when all these cops showed up because of this guy who calls himself "Big Daddy Whoohoo". I really didn't understand his explanation. But small town cops, they had to come out in force, and it all ended up smoothed over. There was one guy I was dying to take a picture of, but just didn't have the guts to do it. He had the most awesome mullet EVER! It was buzzed like a crew cut all over the front and middle of his head. Then at this line towards the back of his head, it was hanging long and straight. I was SOOOO itching to take his picture.

We were joined by a friend of my friend. This guy was more my type, but alas, he was married. Even if she is apparently a psycho (at least according to my friend). The friend I was hanging out with, I've known him for about 9 years. He's a really good friend, and as I mentioned to him in a conversation, as long as we've known each other, he's never really thought of me as a girl, just one of the guys - I was trying to prove my point that I don't understand how a guy can be intimidated by me. He said that guys can be intimidating, too.

Anyway, we hung out shooting pool. I had a couple vodka drinks spaced out - making sure I'd be safe to drive. We had the most godawful worst pool table. Every time you scratched, the cue would actually get in line with the other balls. After about the third time borrowing the keys to the table, we just kept them attached. Funny thing is, we could have just played and not paid, but we still kept putting in our quarters. I won several games by default, really. Scratching on the eight ball mostly. This one game was awesome, down to the last two balls, and we kept blocking each other terribly. Then the (married) guy ended up missing and sinking the eight ball instead of the striped, causing me to win by default. After that, we called it quits.

Today, I actually set my alarm, but couldn't drag myself out of bed until about.. 9:30 I think it was. Then I did the kickboxing dvd. Showered. Then headed into Orlando to meet up with the friend of mine from way back. Truth is, I hadn't seen him in 27 years! Not since 3rd grade. And boy did I hate him back then, he really picked on me. A few years ago, we caught up with each other on classmates.com (him and some other people from the same elementary). Even though we knew each other from a state all the way up the coast, we still ended up only hours from each other.

So I was supposed to meet him at this one restaurant. I clearly overshot, had to go back to meet him. I had to call him and say, are you SURE that this restaurant exists? Or did they change the name? Because the restaurant wasn't where I thought it would be. Turns out it was a different restaurant now. So I told him I didn't care where we went, but I wasn't going to drive to try to find anywhere else, so I jumped in his truck with him. We went to a nice barbecue restaurant and hung out there for a while.

Let me say this - he is TALL. He was always the tallest in class, but now he's about 6'6". A good foot or so taller than I am. He's also a geek. But he's a nice geek. I can't see having a mad affair with him, but I really think he'd be good boyfriend material. However, I also live 4+ hours away. It would make things awkward and tough. We had a nice lunch. But I realize now that I was a bit distracted and distressed, which I've since apologized for.

After lunch, he helped me with the directions to where I was heading, and I went to see my mom. This was the hardest part of my trip. I now realize that I can't do this - leave her for the end. It's such a tough thing, that when I do this in the future, I'm going to have to do it right off the bat. I went to see her, I talked to her, I tried to be positive. I tried to ask her questions, I tried to answer hers. But it's like we were on two different wavelengths. She just isn't all the way there anymore. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's best if she doesn't realize what she's lost. I think I cut our allotted time by about 8 minutes, but it got to the point where I couldn't hold it in anymore. Someone was trying to help her, and the woman's mother was nearby, and she was saying that her daughter was helping my mom, and I thanked her, but I just started crying and crying. I managed to keep from crying until I was out of sight from my mom. It's so hard to see her like that. She seems to be ok. She doesn't complain about how things are for her. But still - I, with all my faculties, wouldn't want to be alive if I had sunk so far into dementia.

Ok, enough there. I'm crying as I'm typing, and it's just too hard, I can't keep doing this to myself.

I did better than I thought I would with food. I will admit, when I was driving down (it's a 5+ hour drive), I didn't get a chance to eat before I left, and I actually ended up stopping at McDonald's and eating a big mac! I hadn't had one in a long time. It actually tasted really good. I think it was only good because it had been so long. On the way back, I ended up eating at a sub restaurant. It was good. Although they did pick on me because of my sweatshirt (nothing like wearing a noles sweatshirt in a gator town), but I was cold.

I really miss my friends. I say this every time I go. When I go to visit, I end up going out every night, and having a great time. Then I get home and I really don't have the same thing here. Realistically, if I was living there now, I wouldn't go out so much, that my friends make more of an effort when I visit. But who makes the effort here? Even my family doesn't. I saw more of some of them when I'd come to visit as opposed to living here. Maybe it's foolish, but I really am thinking of trying to see about jobs down there. I have the freedom now to go wherever I want. I just have to figure out where that is.

Wow, this is a really long post. Oh well, it makes up for several days, right? :)

Away for a few days

2005-12-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

Boy am I overpacked. But I never know what I'll need, and it's also a bit warmer where I'm heading.

No time for a workout before I go, so I'm going to bring some workout gear and dvd's and hope I fit it in.

I'm staying with a friend who knows I'm avoiding junk food, so here's hoping I'll be good :)

Have a safe and happy holiday if I miss anyone in passing.

One more day!

2005-12-19T22:13:00.000-05:00

Until the beginning of vacation. Well, really only half a day. I ended up deciding I'd leave at lunch.

Speaking of lunch, we went to a really nice restaurant. I didn't think I was taking that much time eating, but I looked up and everyone else's plates were cleared and I was still eating. Maybe they ate less. But I was eating a kabob, and I pretty much just ate the meat and veggies, and a few fries. Did I just eat slow? Does everyone else eat fast? No one was being obnoxious about it, but the waitress did ask me when she was picking up some plates if I was done, although I still was eating.

I don't know. I think I've just been trying to take my time eating lately. Not going so slow, but trying to enjoy my meal. I have noticed that I often don't finish everything. Like the other day at lunch, I left a part of my sandwich and the potato salad, and last night most of the bread and stuff. I think it really is true that if you eat slower, you recognize you're fuller sooner. There comes a point where I know if I shove anything more in my mouth, it won't be as enjoyable.

I don't intend to change the speed I eat, I think it's been helpful to eat slowly. But now I'm feeling a bit paranoid about what it's like when I'm out with other people. This is the first time I really noticed it since I was a kid, and I ate my ice cream really slow. But I like it when my ice cream was soupy, you know? In fact, I've been known to nuke my ice cream for a few seconds to make it a lot softer. All I knew back then was my friends would get pissed because by the time I was finished with my ice cream, they were ready for more.

Man, I'm glad I checked on visitation for my mom, turns out they had my name wrong and probably wouldn't let me in. I have to remember to call tomorrow to get that straightened out. I mean, it's a typo, shouldn't really be a big deal, but changing that one letter turned my name into a boy's name. It makes it ever so slightly difficult to explain. Especially to hardass people who don't like to budge an inch.

Aww weekend's almost over

2005-12-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

Well, Saturday, I didn't actually eat much. Didn't have anything around but bacon (well, I could have cooked eggs), so I had a few slices for breakfast. I ended up getting a late start getting anywhere, stopped to get some food at Tropical Smoothie, and I thought I would eat there, but they ended up not even starting on my food before I had to leave for an appointment. They couldn't give me a refund, so I had some cards for the wrap & smoothie. I didn't get to eat any lunch until I got home around 4. Fixed a wrap at home.

At the Xmas party, I had a small piece of this circular turkey sub. I don't even think I finished it. Had a chicken leg. Only drank water & diet red dew while there, because I was driving. It was fun. Mostly my brother's family and friends. Things went really well with the guy I've been seeing. I'm not saying we're back to being serious, but we had fun at the party, then he came home with me and we watched half of the Dukes of Hazzard movie before we ended up getting carried away. Then we sacked out and woke up late. We watched the rest of the movie this morning.

Today, I didn't really get breakfast. After I dropped him off at home, I swung by to get my meal from Tropical Smoothie. Then a little while ago, my daughter came by to get some stuff moved, so we went to Steak & Shake. I had ordered the turkey club. It had to be the worst ever constructed sandwich I got there. As a result, I mostly ate the turkey and a little bit of bread, lettuce, and bacon. Had a few of the cheese fries, and water.

So overall, this weekend I did well with food. Yesterday, I did the kickboxing before showering and going to the party. Friday I worked out kind of late. Tonight, I'm just about to get my workout in. I'm going to do the "I Want That Body" dvd.

Tomorrow I've got a workgroup lunch. I think things will be a bit better tomorrow and Tuesday. It's almost the holidays. I've been working really hard to get stuff ready for the new year, and they know it. So we'll see.

Freakin TGIF!!

2005-12-16T21:08:00.000-05:00

Well, today went a lot better. I've been so busy this last week it's not even funny. Well, longer than a week. I was so worried I'd screwed something up bad, but I was able to get it working today. Phew! Next time, I'll be absolutely sure of something before giving an answer. A vendor saying they have something working does NOT mean they have it working the way we need it to be. Things seem to have been a bit better with co-workers. I know that when my review was actually worked on, it was really several months ago. I am going to just be very positive at work from now on, and hope that things really change.

I don't think I ate all that healthy today. Went to a bagel shop with a friend at lunch. I had this spinach/cream cheese sandwich dipped in au jus. However, I didn't finish all of it, or all of the small side potato salad. I was full, so I stopped. My friend ate all of hers (she got the same) - except she at least had a healthy side salad.

And I blew it all by eating popcorn instead of dinner :( But I had a mad craving :( At least I waited until I was done working out - the "I Want That Body" dvd.

Today, I was in someone's office getting help with something. And my crush started peeking his head in. Then he'd step back, then peek in again. Not waiting or anything. Just like this head bobbing back and forth. I'm like, you want to come in here? You're not going to interrupt anything.

At any rate, he came in the office, he was watching what we were working on. He came up behind me and just slowly leaned on the back of my chair. This made me lean back. Then he let up. Then I was leaning again, and so forth. I was about to tell him he was making me seasick, but the other guy started talking about something.

Anyway, I just feel this unrequited lust. I honestly can't figure out if he likes me, or if he just treats me like he does everyone else. I popped my head in his office late this afternoon, to ask if he got something straightened out, and he's just like - it's not working anyway. I think he was pretty tense. I should have asked him if he needed help working off some tension! hehe

Ok, I think the vodka has kicked in. I'm babbling.

Um yeah

2005-12-15T15:13:00.000-05:00

Well, it was as bad if not worse than I was anticipating. I don't know, everything seems to have gone wrong this year. I am well aware I brought this on myself, and now I can only try to make things better. I have to. The worst part is, while I dread evaluations, I really didn't think my performance had been that bad. But then also, this is through months prior.

I haven't been at my best. Some days, I don't know if I can bring it together anymore. I feel like I'm trapped. I am not even sure I'm that good at what I do, but I'm stuck trying, because I can't make less money, or I won't be able to get by. I owe so much money it's ridiculous. Part of me wishes that I had the guts to file bankruptcy.

I've got to shake myself out of this. I have to make myself shine at work. I have to get out of this funk I've been in. I have to find myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I wish I hadn't checked my work email this evening

2005-12-14T20:26:00.000-05:00

Because now I know that I have my annual evaluation tomorrow morning. I hate this. I would hope that if it was going to be bad, if there was a serious problem with me, that my boss would tell me what the problem was, that I need to work on it. But the thing is, the evaluation is coming several months after my anniversary date. And since it was right around the same time last year, I guess it's a trend.

Anyway, now I'm all tense about it. I ate some popcorn (didn't feel like dinner), even though it didn't even taste as good as I thought it would.

I want to cry. I'm PMS'ing, I'm worried. My daughter is moved out enough that she's not staying here at night anymore. She even took one of the cats with her today. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong between us. We get along great. It's just that things are changing.

It looks like it might fall through where I was supposed to move come February. I really need to plan a move anyway. The problem is that I really want to cut my expenses, so I need something that will be cheap enough, and the only way to do that will be with a roommate.

Ugh, I'm just stressing all over the place :(

Bleh

2005-12-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

I must be PMS'ing (goes right along with the earlier post, lol). I am craving stuff like mad. Had these munchos earlier. I shouldn't have, but I decided to try them. They are unbelievably salty, but yet I kept eating them. Ate my chicken salad sandwich for lunch.

I was craving something more, chocolate maybe, and I actually stuck $1 in my pocket, and headed to the snack machine, but then I got distracted thinking that I should go ask someone a question, so I decided to hit the machine on the way back. Only while I was discussing one work aspect, I said, "Oh, I hear Lucy not talking, I'm going to go ask her a question." Yes, that is how I talk, apparently. Lucy was laughing and asked me how it's possible to hear her NOT talking. I said, "You know.. like the sound of silence. You were talking, then you weren't!"

Anyway, I had to discuss some work issues with her, then set back to my desk, and realized I'd forgotten all about the vending machine. So hey, that's cool. So I should be able to contain myself the rest of the day. I can picture myself eating some of my 60% cocoa content chocolate at home.

I guess I'm really lame at actually discussing weight loss! But let's see, last night I did the kickboxing, before watching "Bones" and "House". Law & Order SVU was a repeat, so I did some stuff for work and ended up later than I'd meant to be. Then I overslept this morning, and decided it was a good time to go and take care of my car registration renewal, and give me a great excuse. Yes, I could say that I was up late working, but some of my co-workers do that anyway and still end up on time.

I was pleasantly surprised that there was hardly anyone there at the tax collector's office! They finally changed it so that you don't pay extra for mailing it in. I never understood that, if you mailed it in, the employees would spend much less time on your stuff than they did if you went in, so it made up for postage. At any rate, I was trading in my specialty tag, so had to go in. I decided that now that I'm paying for two car registrations (mine and my daughter's), I really shouldn't go with the added expense. So now I get to memorize a new tag number, yay! I didn't want to wait longer. Next week I'll be out of town, then there are the holidays, then I'd be rushing to get it done before my birthday. So now it's over and done with, hurray!

Crafts.. of a sort

2005-12-14T10:05:00.000-05:00

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/

Your period comes every month, but Xmas comes only once a year. So bring that menstrual joy to this holiday season with these tampon tree decorations. From a string of tampon lights to a star at the top of the tree, feminine hygiene has never been so festive!

It's the holiday season that's bad for me

2005-12-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Someone brought in some goodies this morning. I ended up having a donut hole and a croissant. At least I had enough willpower to withstand a cupcake.

Christmas party Saturday night. And I'm thinking it will be a bit awkward. Unless he intends to be elsewhere, I'll actually see the guy that I'd been dating since February. The thing is, things were serious enough for quite a while. Then he had so many things go wrong at one time, that things cooled off. I've seen him, but it's actually been a few weeks. I think part of the problem though, why he might be avoiding me perhaps, is he actually owes me money. I've told him many times that I know he'll pay me back, and I'm not rushing it, so don't feel bad that you're not paying it NOW.

I knew when I leant him the money that it could damage our relationship, but it was one of those things where he was in dire straits, which was also in turn causing problems for his landlords, who are actually related to me. I never told them I leant him the money, but it made him be able to catch up on his rent, and they weren't late on their mortgage.

So yeah, it got messy. And I got frustrated with things, hence why I started seeing other people. I guess in the long run, I feel like we're not going to be together, and it doesn't really hurt anymore. But it just reinforces the fact that I'm alone, and I've been alone for the most part, for the last 10.5 years. Granted, it's a lot better than being with my ex-husband, I'd rather have NO ONE than have him. I just wish that I could have someone all for myself, that I love and know loves me in return. That will accept me for who I am, etc.

And damned if I don't seem to be at the wrong age for this. Everyone my age seems ready to settle down and have children, and I'm ready for the empty nest deal.

Chocolate is my foe

2005-12-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

My boss shared some hand made chocolates with us today that a vendor had sent. Oh man, I had to have some. Had too much, though :(

This is always a hectic time at work. All of a sudden, a week before we're off, I get a mound of work to do. All of it's important, of course. But I'm having to send and receive technical email, deal with calls, gather info for my boss, ugh.

I got my boss to agree to one extra day off, I think. Maybe. I want to leave early Tuesday morning to head out of town next week. Probably be back on Friday. Or maybe I'll hit up my Orlando buddy and we can go to Disney on that Saturday. We'll see.

Anyway, other than the chocolate, it's so far so good today.

Interesting

2005-12-11T21:55:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching the Dukes of Hazzard movie, and when they get pulled over by the campus cops, I was like, hey, that's the guy from Super Troopers. Well, by the time the movie was over and credits were rolling (they have bloopers intermixed with Willie Nelson singing the theme song), I realized that it was a much better movie than I expected.

When it was over, I went to check imdb to see if I was right about the campus cop, and that's when I found out that not only was I right, but he was also the director and editor. Cool.

You know, something else that was funny, in an earlier movie I was watching, one of the characters had the same name as my daughter. Well, funny might not be right, more like odd. It's not that my daughter's name is extremely uncommon, like mine is, but that you just don't hear it that often, so hearing people say it all the way through a movie was a bit strange :)

Bleh weekend ending

2005-12-11T18:45:00.000-05:00

I've done ok with what I ate today, and did the kickboxing this morning. I even went to the park for a bit, although got too cold, and went on to Wal-Mart (eek, people!)

This has been a movie watching weekend. I watched "Fantastic 4", which I LOVED. But then I always liked the comic book. I watched a movie called "Puddle Chasers", by the same people who did the movie "Super Troopers". It was an amusing, if strange movie. I like Super Troopers, better, but that's just my preference.

I watched the new "War of the Worlds" last night. I liked it, in spite of Tom Cruise and his over-acting. I mean, he was mostly either really confused, really serious, or really pissed. I would have loved the movie with a different actor in his role. Some that would work for me: Hugh Jackman, that Ian guy from Fantastic 4, the deputy from "Practical Magic"(Aidan Quinn), Josh Lucas.. well, you get my point. There are many, many more men who would do much better in that role, and I bet would be a lot cheaper. Since it's a Stephen Spielberg movie, he could have gotten away with a non-mega-star.

Today I watched "Sky High". I thought that was really cute. It made me laugh. And it's great when Lynda Carter says, "I'm not Wonder Woman you know!" I think I read somewhere that they couldn't get the rights to use her Wonder Woman character.

I did rent "Dukes of Hazzard". Sigh. It was that or the Deuce Bigalow sequel. It was a tossup. I hate Jessica Simpson, but I always liked Catherine Bach, I wanted to be her! Maybe I can stomach Jessica. We'll see. Have you seen what she looks like lately? She's so overtanned, overbleached, and she has fish lips. She used to be much cuter before plastic surgery and such.

Once again, half the weekend's gone

2005-12-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

I got so lazy I ate a lunchable today. It was turkey and cheddar. I skipped the sugar filled drink and dessert, though. Dinner was half a sub from the grocery, yum!

Ok, so I'm not as bummed as I was last night, but I did have to help my daughter carry boxes to the car. Good thing she's only moving across town!

No word from the guy from work. Man, it will be embarrassing if one of my co-workers reads about my crush! I haven't heard again from that guy who was calling me regularly, which is good. I like my vodka, but I wouldn't go sneaking out to the car, on a date with my kid along, in order to down a drink. I could have done a better job of ending things with him, but he doesn't even have a computer, and it was tough doing it over the phone. Besides, we only went on one date, not like as if it was serious.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the park, I was going to today, and it probably would have been warmer, but I got a late start.

I have to recommend that "I Want That Body" DVD with Tamilee Webb. It's really a great workout. I've been alternating days between that DVD and the kickboxing with Kathy Smith DVD. I'd love to have either of their bodies!

I need to stick to the heavier workout, and stick to eating better. Come January, I'll hit the school gym on the night I have that nutrition class, I think. So I'll get that in there between the other workouts.

Another long day

2005-12-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

Ended up getting chinese food last night, had leftovers tonight: chicken & cashews and fried rice. Not the best of meals, I'm sure, but darn it tastes good. And for lunch today, I ended up going with a friend to a wings place, but had chicken tenders and some sort of potato slices. NOT what I should have been eating.

Do you ever really question what you're doing in your life? Today, at lunch, I was trying to explain something to my friend. I was giving her a little of my background. And I told her you know, I had no business becoming a parent. I never knew the first thing about raising a child, all I knew was how I didn't want to be. And do you know how hard it is to stop yourself when you start acting like your parents? I've spent so long being a single mother. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I'd had a real partner, if I'd picked a good man to be the father of my child.

I look at my almost grown daughter, who will be 18 in 6 months, and I'm so proud of her, but at the same time, so afraid for her. I wish I could undo all the bad things that have happened, and give her the chances she didn't have. It's almost like.. if she is successful in her life, it's in spite of me, not because of me. I wish children came with a handbook. If only people who think they really want a baby could actually see the anguish that you face in raising a child.

Yet.. you always have the memories of bringing your baby home the first time, of the first bath, of walks in the front packs, in strollers. Of the first teeth, of losing the first teeth. Of the first day of school, and the last day. Of learning multiplication tables - and sleepy heads perking up when someone says "you need a 4x4" and she responds in a very sleepy voice, "sixteeeen". Of scaring off bullies in first grade, and learning karate in second. The times she's hated me, and the times she openly, in public, hugs me and tells me she loves me.

I think the closer she gets to moving out, the more she really appreciates me. And yet, the less time we have left together like this.

Party today

2005-12-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

The barbecue was good. I guess people liked the cheesecake minis.

I got a first prize ribbon for winning a shootout with the guy I have the hots for. We had beat out other contestants and had to face off each other. Well, turn our backs to each other, take 3 steps, and turn and fire. And mine hit him dead on, and I sidestepped and missed his (I think that's how it worked). Smartass that he is, while we had our backs to each other, he backed up and butted me with his.. butt. I pushed back at him. Nothing sexual, natch. But still silly.

Oh yes, with dart guns, plastic with rubber tips :)

Cheesecakes!

2005-12-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

The graham cracker cookers were indeed stale, yuck! But I had to return a dvd, so I popped into the grocery store and got some of the sugar free chocolate covered shortbread cookies instead.

They turned out pretty well. They aren't extremely pretty, but they taste yummy!

Funny enough, when I went to check my Betty Crocker cookbook to see how to tell when cheesecake is done, I found almost the same recipe, only it called for almond extract or amaretto. I have amaretto, but that wouldn't have kept it sugar free!

The original, unadalturated recipe:
2 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 eggs
12 vanilla wafers
1 (21-ounce) can cherry pie filling or other pie filling

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Place a paper cupcake liner in each cup of muffin pan. Beat cream cheese with a handheld electric mixer until fluffy. Add sugar and vanilla, beating well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Lay a vanilla wafer, flat side down, in each muffin cup. Spoon cream cheese mixture over wafers. Bake for 20 minutes. Allow tarts to cool completely. Serve with cherry filling on top, or pie filling of your choice
Makes 12 tarts

--
I left out the pie filling, used splenda instead of sugar, and used the sugar free cookies instead of vanilla wafers. And I layed the cookies flat side up because that's where most of the chocolate is :) I forget the brand of cookies, Murray's I think. Red white & blue packaging.

I will do the kickboxing tonight, after E-Ring and before Law & Order.

So sleepy!

2005-12-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

I would love to just pass out on my desk right now.

I was awfully hungry earlier. I caved and got a bag of funyuns from the vending machine. Then lunch as usual.

The vendor for our major software sucks so bad. They made some kind of change to the code in an update, and things don't work, and there is supposed to be a preview ready to show. Meanwhile, I spent half the morning trying to track down the problem (that had worked fine before).

Haven't talked to the one guy today. Oh well. I'll see him at our holiday party for sure tomorrow, since the whole staff will be there.

Need to make those cheesecake things tonight. Hopefully it turns out well! It's only going to be a dozen (less one if I eat one tonight!)

Evening

2005-12-06T21:51:00.000-05:00

I ate some of the spinach artichoke mix I had leftover from heating up last night (frozen stuff) on a tortilla shell. I also drank a smoothie, which was a little thin, I think I splashed too much juice in there. I got a little wild with dessert, ate some of the 60% cocoa content chocolate bits. I try to eat them slowly so I can savor them.

Tomorrow I'll try making those sugar free cheesecake tarts. Hopefully they'll turn out!

I'm feeling a bit bad now about asking the work guy to help with moving stuff. But as it turns out, my daughter found out a friend of hers' dad can help with the big items. So my plan is to call the guy this weekend (Friday maybe), and tell him that I didn't need him to help move stuff for her after all, but that I want to buy him a beer anyway, because I appreciate the fact that he was willing to help.

We'll see. If he says no, not interested, so be it. If he says yes, maybe I can make a move :) I'm such a chicken shit, I swear. You'd think I was in high school.

But then again, having gotten married right out of high school, my understanding of dating and the mechanisms for getting there are pretty skewed. Plus, I've spent the last 10 years avoiding anything that could get really serious. Bleh, what a mess I am!

Making progress?

2005-12-06T14:14:00.000-05:00

My pants seem to be looser today. Which is good. At the same time, I'm also experiencing some unfortunate mid-cycle spotting. Grrr.

I ended up tagging along with a co-worker to get some Jamaican food for lunch. Some kind of stewed chicken and a meet pie. It tasted good. I didn't eat too much. Not sure the sugar levels of it or anything.

I made a step with the co-worker I have the hots for. Now, mind you, a friend told me that he thought it would be easier to ask someone to go to happy hour than it would to ask them to help move something, but I have a harder time with that. I sent the guy an email asking him what it took to sweet talk him into doing something. Buying lunch? Beer? He responded back, "hmm. depends on what it is." So I was chicken and said, "you know how you have a pickup truck? :D"

Of course, I didn't realize he's in a meeting most of the day. He didn't respond to my last message, but I saw him going down a bisecting hallway and he smiled, looked like he was considering stopping, but had to go. I'm sure I'm reading WAY too much into this. It would be so much easier if I could just tell him I want to jump his bones. Sigh. But I could also make use of his truck, too, lol.

More meetings

2005-12-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

I ate my chicken salad sandwich for lunch. I get these packages of chicken salad from the grocery store, they make two sandwiches a package. The ingredients are ok, low sugars. Then I fix it on multigrain bread. So while I'm eating my sandwich at my desk, up pops a meeting notification. I'm like crap, I hate meetings, and it's right after lunch.

Now, maybe it was a little crowded on the one end, but I was sitting on the other end with a space between me and the next person. In comes my co-worker I have the hots for. I thought he was going to sit at the end of the side table, but he ended up sitting in the empty spot between me and the next guy.

He ended up explaining several things to me that I didn't understand about. And the more he's talking about this boring stuff (it makes my head hurt to think about it), the more bothered I was getting. Then he saw my lanyard and was trying to read what it said, which was from the store my daughter works at. So we ended up talking about that a little bit after the meeting.

I have really developed a lust for him. I wish I knew if he had a girlfriend or anything, and could figure out a way to get him to ask me out. I know, in this day and age, I should be able to do the asking, but I just can't seem to do that at work. Even with an old boyfriend, whom I met at work, all I did was talk him into going somewhere with a bunch of us after work. And then I couldn't hit on him until I'd had a good bit to drink! There isn't a crowd like that here. I can't picture going out after work with a group here.

Went to the park today

2005-12-04T16:50:00.000-05:00

Well, this is rather image intense, but since it's probably the last nearly 80 degree day we'll have for a long while, I went down the the park and put down a beach towel and hung out by the lake with a book. It was really pretty, I took some pictures of the surroundings.

Impatience

2005-12-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

It is a bit discouraging, that I'm working so hard, and staying away from junk food, yet haven't seen a change in weight. I think those initial 5 pounds were more water weight.

Oh, I'm well aware that it takes time. It's just frustrating, I want instant gratification!

I think I should take a trip to Orlando this holiday break. Take advantage of a friend who works at Disney and get him to get me in free. I know, that's so bad. But then, I also haven't seen him since 3rd grade. I told him that we could ride Space Mountain until we puke. Let's see, what was his response? Oh yeah, "Wheeeeee!"

I'll need a distraction after going to visit my mother :(

I ate the other half of my sub this afternoon. I did the "I Want That Body" workout. I do want that body. Oh man, I'd kill Tamilee for her body. Well not really, but still!

Weekend's half over

2005-12-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

How does that happen? Feels like it barely started.

Ran some errands, went to my dad's for about an hour. Had half a Publix sub tonight, on that yummy sunflower bread. Did the kickboxing workout. Man do I work up a sweat with that.

I came across a recipe for cheesecake tarts. It calls for vanilla wafers placed at the bottom of cupcake liners and then the cheesecake filling on toop of it, and then pie filling on top, I suppose.

Well, we have that holiday party Thursday, I'm thinking of taking that recipe and converting it. Using splenda instead of sugar - I have that baking splenda that's a sugar/splenda mix, and the regular splenda. Not sure which I'll use yet. But instead of using the nilla wafer, I'm thinking of maybe sugar-free chocolate covered graham crackers, since I have an unopened package - which hopefully is still good! - and that should do the trick. I have a couple of packages of cream cheese even.

Well, haven't heard from that one guy, although I do feel kind of bad about not calling him and telling him it just isn't going to work. And the other one, the one that I'd been seeing for a while - hopefully he isn't just trying to pull that. I don't know, he sends so many mixed signals. If he didn't want to have me in his life, I don't see the point in having me go to that lunch with his family.

But since I'm not holding my breath, I'm still lusting after the guy from work.

Of course, I just realized there's an FSU game tonight. Honestly, I'll be glad when the season is over. My last serious boyfriend was sooo into UF football, it was ridiculous. Hardly saw him at all during football season.

Meetings bite

2005-12-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

Except man, I spent the entire 2 hours lusting over this guy. I wish I could run into him outside of work, preferably with a drink in me, then I'd be able to hit on him properly. I had to go ask him some questions earlier today, and was sitting beside him, but it didn't get suggestive at all. I did tell him that his metrosexual side was showing when he made a comment about an orange jacket and a red sweater (the jacket's really more light red and the sweater is more a maroon), but hey, when I'm at work, I'm usually cold, and this jacket happens to do the job.

At any rate, I did get some little snippets of fantasies going. The things I could do to him on the back of his motorcycle! Although maybe when it isn't 55 degrees out :p

I ate leftover pizza at lunch. Man, I think that was a mistake. Oh well, I'll have to workout intensely this evening. It's the "I want that body" night.

I was looking in the mirror this morning, and while I haven't lost any more weight, I feel like my rear end is a little more firmer. I'll never get rid of that damn cellulite, but I can make it look better, right? I'm using the Dove Intense Firming Cream in the mornings, too.

Bad dinner!

2005-12-01T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today I ate pizza for dinner. But I got talked into it, that whole 5/5/5 deal. So I ate a couple slices, and I guess I'll have a couple at lunch tomorrow as well.

Did the kickboxing tonight. And I'm sleepy. Which is good, because I should get to bed earlier than I normally do. Maybe surprise people by showing up to work on time for a change :p

I had to fill out something today that asked for my income. I can't believe that my net income each month is about $1200 less than my gross income. $300 of that I'll never see again, since I doubt I'll ever receive SS or medicare - probably won't exist by the time I'm 65. $200 of that will change - sort of - when January hits. I'll be changing my daughter's medical insurance. However, it won't be pretax anymore, so it won't really be a $200 savings :(

At least I got to make use of my federal tax dollars before. I got to sick the FBI on someone who really deserved it!

Is it Friday yet?

2005-12-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

Ended up going to a Mexican place near work for dinner, meeting up with my daughter there. Sometimes I wonder what people think - she looks older than her age, I apparently look younger, and I pay the tab. Do they think we're sisters? Friends? Or that I'm some cradle robbing lesbian? Same when we're in the store and I pay for her clothes and such.

I did the "I Want That Body" workout last night. I'm still on the program 1 segments. I know I'm not ready to graduate to program 2. I suppose I might add the weights while working the buns before going on. Tonight will be the kickboxing.

Got into an email argument with a friend last night as well. She was complaining about men and how they don't treat her right, and I pointed out that she tends to interest in guys that aren't the best ones for her. I think she does the same thing I do - gravitate towards ones there's no chance of a future with. But then she got really touchy about it, saying that she doesn't do that and that I'm one to talk with my men problems. Wow. I don't get it, I worded it as carefully as I could with her, and yet she still got extremely defensive. All I know is that she's in a horrible relationship for her, and she needs to get out.

So I was doing some passionate kissing the other night, and he pulled me close, and gravity did the trick - my lip slammed into his teeth. Hurt like hell. I realized yesterday that I actually have a bruise on my lip! I've never even had that when I got bit in the face by a dog. When I was 17, a german shepherd jumped up and I was cut on the top of my forehead and just barely on the inside of my lip because it pulled my lip down. My lip swelled like mad. People thought I was in this huge fight. I'm like no, a dog bit my face! At any rate, I do have a small scar, but it's on the inside of my lip. It's only a problem if I accidentally catch it between my teeth when I bite down. I didn't even have a bruise when that happened, but I do now!

Today's not dragging as bad as yesterday, but I do have to sit through a webcast at 2pm. Meanwhile, I finished my chicken salad sandwich and should get back to work :p

Loooong Day

2005-11-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, I've kept the headaches at bay. There has been some dull pain there, but nothing debilitating.

I am hungry :( And I don't think I really have anything to eat at home. Well, I suppose I do, but anything requires some extent of cooking. I could be wild and have a bubba burger, haven't made one in a while.

Emotionally, today has been pretty tough. A lot of discussion about my mother, and what needs to be done. It hasn't been pleasant. It also reminds me of the concern about what will happen to me? Will I be able to face it if things start going wrong? Will I even know it? I haven't read "Flowers for Algernon", but I saw the summary after it was mentioned today. How hard it would be to know your mind is going. And was my mom aware of it? I know that all of us had tried to talk to her, to get her to get help, but she couldn't see that anything was wrong.

And round and round it goes. Guess this post is a bit depressing.

Headaches

2005-11-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

Man, I had an awful one today, didn't even make it into work. Doc's office says pressure tension. Something new to focus on..

I did get in the kickboxing workout tonight. My head's doing a bit better, but we'll see tomorrow. I did ok with food today. One thing I did do - I added a couple squares of this 60% cocoa content baking chocolate to my smoothie (they're thin). Yum! I didn't know how it would turn out with the fruit and yogurt, but it did well :)

I watched Mr & Mrs Smith today. I wanted to see it in the theater, but didn't get a chance. I really liked the movie, I think it's awesome.

What I'd like to know right now - WTF is up with Law & Order? They seem to be adding way too many story lines to the episodes. At least with SVU.

Monday blahs

2005-11-28T22:42:00.000-05:00

Well, other than munching on (multigrain) toast this evening, which is not the best thing, I did ok food wise. I did a good workout, the Tamilee DVD.

I need to come up with better plans for dinner. I spent too much money at the grocery store to just look at the fridge and go, "uhh".

At least tomorrow I'll only have at most half the meetings I normally do on Tuesdays, since my boss will be out.

I didn't read anything in that nutrition book tonight. I want to get a good bit read before that class starts up in January. Then I can just concentrate on what the teacher is telling us. Oh man, the first class I'll take with real tests and everything, since I got out of college over 8 years ago!

Lifesavers

2005-11-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

Ha, not those fruity little hard candies. Rather, I'm talking about people who actually save lives. Of course, when I mention that, you'll think of firefighters, police, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and the list goes on.

Those people definitely are part of saving lives. But did you know that you, too, can be a lifesaver? It doesn't really take much, and you will never get recognition from the people you save, but the life you save could be your own (figuratively speaking) or someone you love.

I'm talking about donating blood (and blood products). You can donate whole blood every 56 days. Personally, I donate platelets, those little things that kind of look like.. plates, which clump together to form clots.

I get hooked up to a machine for about 2 1/2 hours, about once a month. I don't like needles, getting poked isn't fun. But I do it. I bring a book, sometimes I'll watch a video they can pop in, I settle down and wait for that insertion. It hurts a tiny bit when the needle goes in, don't get me wrong, but then you sit back and let the equipment do the work (except for the squeezing every few seconds).

I have donated between 5 and 6 GALLONS of whole blood and blood products (platelets and plasma) since 1998. I had tried before, but had various results. The amount in this amount of time is documented. I joke that I do it for the free t-shirts (and I have a LOT of them), but the real reason is rather vague. Basically, I hope that if one of my loved ones ever needed blood, that there would be enough donated blood to save them.

Here are some facts about donating blood (source):
1. 4.5 million Americans would die each year without life saving blood transfusions.
2. Approximately 32,000 pints of blood are used each day in the United States.
3. Every three seconds someone needs blood
4. One out of every 10 people entering a hospital needs blood.
5. Just one pint of donated blood can help save as many as three people’s lives.
6. The average adult has 10 pints of blood in his or her body.
7. One unit of blood is roughly the equivalent of one pint.
8. Blood makes up about 7% of your body's weight.
9. A newborn baby has about one cup of blood in his or her body.
10. The average red blood cell transfusion is 3.4 pints.
11. Blood fights against infection and helps heal wounds, keeping you healthy.
12. There are four main blood types: A, B, AB and O. AB is the universal recipient and O negative is the universal donor.
13. Blood centers often run short of type O and B blood.
14. Shortages of all types of blood occur during the summer and winter holidays.
15. If all blood donors gave 2 to 4 times a year, it would help prevent blood shortages.
16. If you began donating blood at age 17 and donated every 56 days until you reached 76, you would have donated 48 gallons of blood.
17. About three gallons of blood supports the entire nation's blood needs for one minute.
18. Blood donation takes four steps: medical history, quick physical, donation, and snacks.
19. The actual blood donation usually takes less than 10 minutes. The entire process, from when you sign in to the time you leave, takes about 45 minutes.
20. Giving blood will not decrease your strength.
21. You cannot get AIDS or any other infectious disease by donating blood.
22. Fourteen tests, 11 of which are for infectious diseases, are performed on each unit of donated blood.
23. Any company, community organization, place of worship or individual may contact their local community blood center to host a blood drive.
24. People donate blood out of a sense of duty and community spirit, not to make money. They are not paid for their donation.
25. Much of today's medical care depends on a steady supply of blood from healthy donors.
26. One unit of blood can be separated into several components (red blood cells, white blood cells, plasma, platelets and cryoprecipitate).
27. Red blood cells carry oxygen to the body’s organs and tissue.
28. There are about one billion red blood cells in two to three drops of blood.
29. Red blood cells live about 120 days in the circulatory system.
30. Platelets help blood to clot and give those with leukemia and other cancers a chance to live.
31. Apheresis (ay-fur-ee-sis) is a special kind of blood donation that allows a donor to give specific blood components, such as platelets.
32. Donated red blood cells must be used within 42 days of collection.
33. Donated platelets must be used within five days of collection.
34. Plasma can be frozen and used for up to a year.
35. Plasma is a pale yellow mixture of water, proteins and salts.
36. Plasma, which is 90% water, constitutes 55% of blood volume.
37. Healthy bone marrow makes a constant supply of red cells, plasma and platelets.
38. People who have been in car accidents and suffered massive blood loss can need transfusions of 50 pints or more of red blood cells.
39. The average bone marrow transplant requires 120 units of platelets and about 20 units of red blood cells. Patients undergoing bone marrow transplants need platelets donations from about 120 people and red blood cells from about 20 people.
40. Severe burn victims can need 20 units of platelets during their treatment.
41. Children being treated for cancer, premature infants, and children having heart surgery need blood and platelets from donors of all types.
42. Anemic patients need blood transfusions to increase their iron levels.
43. Cancer, transplant and trauma patients and patients undergoing open-heart surgery require platelet transfusions to survive.
44. Sickle cell disease is an inherited disease that affects more than 80,000 people in the United States, 98% of whom are of African descent. Some patients with complications from severe sickle cell disease receive blood transfusions every month – up to 4 pints at a time.
45. In the days following the September 11 attacks, a half a million people donated blood.
46. Females receive 53% of blood transfused; males receive 47%.
47. 94% of all blood donors are registered voters.
48. 60% of the US population is eligible to donate – only 5% do on a yearly basis.
49. 17% of non-donors cite “never thought about it” as the main reason for not giving, while 15% say they’re “too busy.” The #1 reason donors say they give is because they “want to help others.”
50. After donating blood, you replace these red blood cells within 3 to 4 weeks. It takes eight weeks to restore the iron lost after donating.
51. Granulocytes, a type of white blood cell, roll along blood vessel walls in search of bacteria to eat.
52. White cells are the body's primary defense against infection.
53. There is no substitute for human blood.
54. It’s about Life.
55. Since a pint is pound, you lose a pound every time you donate blood.
56. Anyone who is in good health, is at least 17 years old, and weighs at least 110 pounds may donate blood every 56 days.

Info on donating blood: google search

Argh

2005-11-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

Had another migraine today. I don't know - stress doesn't seem any different. There's something bad looming, but I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life, and have been for at least a little while now. That doesn't explain it suddenly happening now. I've been depressed before, but I'm not feeling as bad right now. It's not something like a tumor - I had a cat scan done the last time migraines were happening on a frequent basis. There just doesn't seem to be a logical explanation. My doctor didn't think it would be related to the weather, I just got done with my latest cycle. I guess it's just not explanable.

Ate too much bread today. I guess it doesn't matter that it was multigrain. This morning, I didn't have any breakfast stuff so I just ate toast. I the did the kickboxing workout, showered, went to the grocery. They had samples of stuff. I got the recipe for the brussels sprouts, because they were actually good. I got a sub for me and my daughter - I'll have the other half of mine tomorrow.

Drinking a smoothie right now. The nutrition book I ordered came in yesterday, so I was looking at it last night, plan to tonight as well. I still am a bit uncertain about actually going to the class, though.

What is it with this weekend?

2005-11-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

This is the second day I've had a mostrous headache. Yesterday it went away after a while on its own. Today I had to take a migraine pill. Bleh. I should have been more productive.

I did the Tamilee DVD today. Wore me the heck out. Went to the park to sit around and read, but it ended up getting a bit chilly - I should have brought a sweatshirt, I KNEW it, but I just went in a t-shirt. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain - which might explain the headaches.

Ate a wrap from tropical smoothie late this afternoon. Yum. I'll make a smoothie of my own this evening, that should keep me from getting hungry.

Got a call yesterday from that one guy that I'm trying to figure out a way to turn down. I told him about my headache. You know it would be easier to explain to him if he had email. He told me he doesn't have a computer, but plans on getting one. There is such a difference between us - between him having drinking issues, then the computer stuff. I guess I shouldn't be so critical about the computers, but I've never had a relationship with a guy who isn't familiar with them, given that it's how I make a living. Bleh.

Back to watching some movies. I got Herbie Fully Loaded (cute so far), the new Bewitched movie, and Watcher (it has Keanu in it, but he plays the bad guy, so his acting can't be that bad, right?)

I hate crowds

2005-11-25T21:16:00.000-05:00

I did the kickboxing workout this morning/afternoon. Man, it is a workout, too. Was sweating heavily. I always need a shower after one of those.

Went to run errands. Had to travel around town for it. I started getting REALLY cranky towards the end. Popped over to Cracker Barrel on the way home. They annoyed me. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but there you go. I only wanted to place an order for carryout, had to wait in line twice as a result, because the girl at the counter was too busy on the phone to pay attention to customers. Anyway, got the no-sugar added apple pie and ice cream, and headed out again.

You know, the bitch about shopping for heavy items - you have to load it into your cart, load it into your car, then load it into your home. By the time I got done lugging everything inside, I was feeling it.

I fixed my dinner, ate it, ate my dessert, and then have done a half assed job of watching law & order, mixed in with laundry. But then, I'm also reading this good mystery novel. You call it romance, I call it mystery with some romance thrown in. It's "The Chosen", by Sharon Sala. Freaky story, a guy who is terminally and mentally ill with a fear of going to hell after he has a near death experience, so he thinks he has to live as Christ did. He goes around gathering his disciples, who don't actually WANT to be his desciples, but he's convinced he has no choice, or he'll face the fires of hell.

Speaking of religion, I think I gave the bible I had away, because I didn't like that version very much. So I was thinking it would be cool to have one again, and I looked online to see if I could get one free - all those Gideons have to do something with them, right? Only the one place that seems to give them away wants you to order something from some other people, then pay $5 for handling, and I don't know who they are, so I'm not giving them personal info.

I was at Sam's, and the only thing I saw was large print King James for $10- which doesn't really help me as I'm near-sighted and wear contacts, or $40 NIV versions. Bleh. I thought that it was important to spread the word and what not, so you'd think that it would be cheaper. I do have one bible, only it is from like 1921 and it's in German. My German isn't that good, and it would fall apart, and it's like 3" thick!

Stuffed like a turkey

2005-11-24T22:38:00.000-05:00

Oh man, it was a nice dinner. And I did eat a bit of pecan and pumpkin pie. I didn't pig out on it, so at least there's that.

I did workout to the Tamilee dvd earlier. I swear, she must giggle in glee at the thought of torturing us poor fools like that. I was sweating like a pig. Hopefully I offset the dinner I ate :)

We went to see the new Harry Potter movie after. We were a little close to the screen for comfort, but the truth is - we were going to go see Zathura, but the Potter movie had just started so we snuck in there while we were waiting. We had debated which to see, my daughter having seen the Potter movie opening night, but was perfectly fine seeing it again. I would have left if she wanted to, but we stayed in the movie. We'll have to see the Zathura on another night.

Not sure how I'll like Zathura. I heard that the story was very similar to Jumanji. But I love Jumanji, so who knows. I have to say - it's hard to compete with a stampede, even if this one IS in space!

A bit of a downer

2005-11-23T19:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I decided to go a little different. I tried out the Carmen Electra Hip Hop Striptease DVD. It's a little short, I could have just replayed the dance routine, but decided to finish off with jumproping.

So now I'm sitting here, before the big holiday tomorrow. I appreciate my brother's invite to dinner, since most of my family have family of their own to get together with. My daughter and I only have my immediate family, with one or two exceptions on the other side.

That aside, this is the first big holiday after some rather tragic events this summer. While my mother hasn't been herself for a long time, she will never again be able to share major events in any of our lives. The best we can do is relate it to her and try to share pictures. If I ever walk down the aisle again, she won't be there. If my daughter breaks down and decides to have a child one day, she'll never be able to know that child. Or for that matter, any of her great grandchildren. If something happens to me, I hope no one ever tells her I'm gone. It would be one of the cruelest things I could think of for her - to have somewhere in there the understanding of what happened, and to know her child died before her.

I'm not handling this well tonight. Some days it's really hard to think of the loss, and to remember what she was like before, as flawed as that was.

It's a virtual Friday!

2005-11-23T13:39:00.000-05:00

I went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch. I suppose not the healthiest, but it was tasty. I only had a couple of the nachos they put in front of us. It helped that they weren't that tasty. The burrito was yummy, the enchilada - the tortilla was too tough, I hate that about corn tortillas.

It was COLD heading out. At least on the way back to work it was a bit warmer. If I wanted it to be freezing, I'd live up north, geez!

I need to go to the grocery store tonight, somehow, although it will be bad with last minute shoppers. If I wait until tomorrow, the only place I can go is Wal-Mart, eek!

My experiment with eggplant didn't go too well last night. I tried broiling slices. Oh well.

People in cars

2005-11-22T18:16:00.000-05:00

So I was leaving work, and I pulled out of the parking lot, and as I was waiting to turn at the stop, I was looking over the stickers on the SUV in front of me. I squinted and realized that they had a Dresden Dolls sticker. I saw others, as well, but those were more groups that my daughter liked, such as the Cramps. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the Cramps, I just really love the Dresden Dolls. I went to see them - by myself - when they came to town.

Anyway, it made me realize how often I see someone driving a car that has stickers on it that I relate to in some way, but I never get to know them. My close friends are a limited group. It would be lovely to make new ones that have common interests. But when you do see someone that would fit that, it's always on the go.

And then of course, there's the fact that I don't have any stickers on my car, except a faded staff parking permit at the community college on the back window, and two old parking stickers on the front windshield from back when the apartment complex had permit parking. I could get some, but stickers fade, and they're ugly when you have to take them off the car.

Drugs are good

2005-11-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, not like YOU're thinking. I'm talking naproxen (or anaprox). It's the only thing that will take absolutely killer cramps and make them at least tolerable. I'm telling ya, if I thought I couldn't play last night, I certainly can't tonight. Too bad.

Ok, so I had my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, and I cheated a bit with some of a small bag of funyuns. I don't have anything left for lunch tomorrow, so I might be heading out for that. If so, I'll be good, by hook or crook.

I did avoid temptation this afternoon at our staff meeting. There were cookies and brownies, and apple cider. It didn't call out to me. Although I'll probably get mad cravings tonight :p

Well then

2005-11-21T22:04:00.000-05:00

I was way too hungry earlier :( However, it tapered off. Should have started working out sooner, got distracted by IM. I passed on a play date tonight. Kinda wasn't up to it. I did manage to get into the kickboxing. Maybe I'll feel like playing tomorrow night.

Speaking of men, I got a call from the one that I was hoping would lose interest. I think I've decided for sure, he's got too many issues for me to deal with. Yes, I like my vodka when I'm relaxing on the weekends, but he's a regular at a bar, and there's that whole sneaking out to his car for a drink. That's just wrong.

But back to weight loss - I had no idea that 1. anyone actually read my blog, and 2. that there were so many blogs about trying to lose weight. I started this more because I needed to make myself journal my progress. I'm not good at keeping a hand written journal. I also knew that I couldn't do this honestly if I couldn't keep it anonymous. So.. here it is. I can't slip out too much about me personally, because then I could lose my anonyminity.

And to anyone out there reading this, who is struggling with the same issues with weight that I am, you know I can relate.

Long day

2005-11-21T18:30:00.000-05:00

Wow, training class all day long. It was busy enough, but not exactly the most thrilling thing ever!

I ate ok. Chicken salad sandwich for lunch. Someone had put a bunch of snack stuff in the kitchen, I did grab a few pretzels. On the other hand, I also ignored the danish they had out this morning at the class.

I tried fixing spaghetti squash tonight. It's tolerable, with cheese added. It's not really filling though. And I'm wishing for some chocolate. I have that baking chocolate I bought but don't see a recipe that sounds interesting enough to make. I'll have to think on that. Meanwhile, I do have the Breyers low carb ice cream bars. The question is - am I still hungry, and that's why I want it, or am I just interested in chocolate? The spinach I had in the freezer wasn't really looking right, or I'd have made that with the squash.

Maybe I'll fix a smoothie. The fruit will be sweet, and the yogurt filling (and good for me, yay!).

Man, my muscles are still feeling the workout from last night! That really is a good workout.

Holy cow

2005-11-20T18:50:00.000-05:00

I tried the "I Want That Body" dvd with Tamilee Webb. That is one heck of a workout. Which I suppose makes sense, given she's the one who does Buns of Steel. There are 2 segments per body area (arms, abs, buns). The segment 2 of each is more advanced. I'm feeling it and I just did the segment one for each. Either it's that intense a workout, or I just haven't done those type of workouts in a while. I used to do them regularly with the Quick Fix Complete Total Body Workout (sounds redundant, but I think the complete means they compiled it together).

At any rate, I think I'm going to alternate this dvd with the kickboxing one for a while. Do a 45 minute workout of one segment each body area with the tamilee one.

This morning

2005-11-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

Oh man, I went to church for the first time in forever today. It was nice actually. They had a dinner after though. And I ate moderately, but I did allow myself a tiny tiny slice of key lime pie, and ate a little bit of a tiny slice of German Chocolate pie - that was very rich.

I've got to make sure to work that off today!

Today

2005-11-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

So yeah, the garbage disposal cost me. But it could have been worse. I just don't know that I want to use that sucker again!

I ate chicken salad sandwiches for lunch and dinner. Pure laziness to fix it for dinner, too :) I did go shopping. Picked up some zucchini, spaghetti squash, eggplant. All healthy stuff that I have to make sure I fix before they go bad!

I discovered that either peaches don't make as tasty a smoothie, or the vodka I added in tonight didn't taste right with it :p I figured that if I like frozen drinks, why not the vodka in it? Also, the new blender works VERY well. I think I need to add ice next time to thicken it up. Either the vodka thinned it out to much, or the blender just pureed it to bits, and the old one isn't up to par.

I did the kickboxing tonight. Worked up a major sweat. Maybe I sweated off five pounds, because when I stepped on the (same) scale, that's how much less I weigh. But that could also be from other factors, like less bloating from PMS. Or losing water retained weight.

A friend of mine told me that when I'd lost all that weight before, well I knew that I'd lost more than I should have, but he was saying my hip bones were sticking out through my jeans. I don't remember that. I do remember my boobs going away though. At any rate, I want to have a happy balance. Somewhere before it's too thin. That's why I think getting to 145 will work. 135 was too thin. But if it's 150 ok. Just as long as it's the right feel for me.

Can I rewind?

2005-11-19T01:17:00.000-05:00

I did ok tonight - had tropical smoothie for dinner. I did a modified workout - arms, abs, legs, some jump rope (it was COLD out!).

But this has nothing to do with weight or what have you. First, I spilled a massive amount of water on the floor - and in the cat food dish thing (it dispenses mass quantities). So I was trying to clean it up, accidentally dumped all the wet cat food in the drain, so I tried running the garbage disposal. Guess what happened? Yeah. Clog. I could cry. In the 3 years I lived here, I've had ONE prior problem with it. Now I have another. And naturally, it happens on a Friday, you know they're not going to do anything about it over the weekend. This also means I can't run the dishwasher, because it feeds into the disposal, from what I can see under the sink. At least the other side of the sink still works.

Why do I do stupid things like this?? I'm not even blonde!!! (I joke)

It did drive me to clean off the counter top and clean under the sink. I wanted to get rid of more stuff. The thing is, I look at a 3/4 full bottle of Orange extract Wood and something or other cleaner. And I can't just throw it away! I mean, just because I haven't used it since I moved out of the last place doesn't mean I won't again!

Maybe this will spur me to actually do cleaning/reorganizing/junking of the rest of the rooms. That would be useful. I know I have too much junk.

Anyway, too stressed and upset. I could really kick myself. Only I'd probably manage to hurt myself, but not something useful like a broken leg - as in I'd get lots of sympathy - I THINK, maybe not if I had to explain how I did it. It would probably be something like breaking my little toe a third time.

TGIF

2005-11-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

I'm so ready for the work week to be over.

I guess the mad cravings were PMS, grr. Too soon!

I did end up with funyuns at lunch. In punishment for it, I took a sip of my crystal light and immediately choked. I spewed a bit, through my nose (yuck yuck yuck) or at least it felt like it. Got some of the crystal light on my jeans, damnit. Hopefully that comes out. All I had here was water to try to soak it out with. It's still pinkish though. At least it's near my knee, not my crotch!

Whoohoo, 4 day weekend next week. Now, let's hope I don't end up with bronchitis like I did last year for T-day break!